The ride or die reality of Heidi Montag Pratt you’ve been missing: she’s not just a pair of giant boobs bouncing through The Hills these days, she’s a thoughtful example of modern American reality television, and exists somewhere around the crossroads of Lifetime, where her show The Mother/Daughter Experiment: Celebrity Edition airs its season finale May 13, and NatGeo because it’s a sort of look into the sociological side of American humanity. But seriously, only look for Heidi and the show on Lifetime, because that’s where you’ll find her deepest, weirdest moments with her mom– and if there’s one thing that makes us all feel better about our own relationships with Mom, it’s watching other people deal with all those feels more intensely. Bless you, Heidi, for making stuff less weird for the rest of us. That’s a gift, and this type of reality TV is what I think Trump has in mind when he says he wants to make America great again.
1. You need to be body-positive, especially if you’re average. “It’s very important, maybe one of the most important things, for the average girl to be body positive. If you want to be in better shape or eat healthier that’s fine but do it in a positive productive way. Don’t be your own hater.”
2. You’re a snowflake, and your life is your own screening of Frozen. “We are all snowflakes each one of us is different so enjoy who you are, your unique body.”
3. You should keep your details to yourself. I asked Heidi if she wants to share more private details about her life with the world and she was excited to share, “HA! Not really.” She values privacy and thinks you should, too. That’s fresh for a reality star.
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4. Dream big, get a mansion. “I would live in a huge mansion and adopt all the animals in the world from shelters and take care of them.” This is the kind of dream Heidi wants you to aspire to. Real estate and shelter cuddles. Get on that (in seriousness, I really back the shelter adoption idea— there needs to be more of that.)
5. Brains = love, because thoughts are the way to the heart. “I think thoughtfulness is one of the most important elects of romance. The little things that count.” In other words, you need to be caring and sensitive. Heidi wants that for you and your loved ones. #healtheworld #makeitabetterplace
6. According to Heidi, here’s how to look hot. I asked her what’s most important when it comes to physical attraction, and I shit you not, she answered “a flesh colored beard.” DO WITH THAT WHAT YOU WILL.
7. Be close with your mom. “My mom means the world to me. I am so thankful for this opportunity on the Mother Daughter Experiment to be able to officially move forward together from the past. As Dr. Debbie says, ‘Mothers and daughters never intentionally hurt each other.’”
8. Everyone on social media is a turd, so you don’t need to listen to them. She says of her major life lessons via social media that we all need to focus on trying, “to not take to heart what people think or say.” She does like being able to show “more intimate” parts of herself and her life, though.
9. You need to be your own advocate. “Be your own best friend and cheerleader. LOVE yourself don’t criticize yourself. No one is perfect and we all have things to improve.”
10. Stop comparing yourself to others. Heidi suggests this is basically poison for self esteem, and frankly, this is one bullet point I’m totally on board with.
11. If you are a human, there’s a good chance you’re meant to be a busty blonde. This one is clearly not rooted in science, and Heidi didn’t actually share it with me, but I think it’s an implied course at the University of Heidi. Three credits, it’s a 101.