When it comes to The Day Everyone Suddenly Cares About Commercials, I’m a little bit clueless. Do people still care about the Super Bowl? Or are they only in it for the buffalo wings? Turns out, a whole bunch of people really do care about this game. Let’s put it this way: If the Super Bowl walked the red carpet, the game would be the dress. Buffalo wings, Budweiser, and seven-layer dips, the accessories. You can’t leave out the necklace, even if nobody’s going to be looking at it; but the dress – the dress is what’ll make or break you.
All these years of observing friends and family on Super Bowl Sunday has turned me into an expert of how to have a winning time, even if your team doesn’t win. Or if you did show up just for the junk food. Or for any other horribly misguided reason, like thinking you were going to watch the Puppy Bowl, dressing yourself as a dog rather than with any of the participating team’s colors, and being scorned or made fun of by everyone in attendance. I mean, who does that, right?!
Because even though I don’t know much about football, I do know the Super Bowl is meant to be a fun event (though let’s face it, not as fun as the Puppy Bowl). Let’s take a look at where everyone can score tonight.
The meat-lover: Chili, chicken wings, meat-lover’s pizza’s, pigs in a blanket, cold cuts trays, beef jerky.
The cheese-lover: cheese puffs, nacho cheese, beer cheese dip, potato skins, mac & cheese, cheese log.
The nostalgia-lover: Dorito’s, Pringles, E-Z Cheese, Twinkies, Mike’s Hard Lemonade, Matthew Broderick’s Ferris Bueller commercial, Kelly Clarkson doing the national anthem.
The fitness fanatic: Saying no to all that junk was easy after one look at Tom Brady’s triceps.
The amiable non-fan, but sports getter-into-er: Four hours spent with friends, building cameraderie and giving sportsmanlike high-fives to each other. Enjoying the halftime show and commercials.
The snotty non-fan, and sports hater: Four hours spent with friends who you now believe you are better than, in intelligence, tact, and graceful composure. Watching the halftime show and commercials and feeling even more superior, because you’re obviously too smart to enjoy this low-fi entertainment.
The pyromaniac: Dude! Did you see that…?
The fashionista: Gisele. Did you see her…?
The advertising aficionado: Those commercials could’ve been better, so you’re pitching your ideas first thing tomorrow!
The student: 4-5 solid hours of excused procrastination
The social-media user: 4-5 solid hours of tweeting game updates
The musician: Realizing the tiny probability that you’ll ever play for an audience like the one watching Madonna today, and that some are only watching in anticipation of a wardrobe malfunction (this might feel like a loss at first, but is obviously a win).
The parent: Everyone played their hearts out and that makes everyone a winner!
The single girl: A pass leads to a play, which leads to a touchdown…
The girlfriend: Hosting 15 of your beau’s buddies, pumped full of testosterone and beer, wins you some serious points.
The Internet-meme-lover: Super Bowl Party should have its own Sh*t ____ Say video. (And it does).
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