I have never had a cup of coffee. I will let that sink in, while I drink my morning screwdriver in peace. Even though I skipped it, drinking coffee in the morning is a routine that seems to come with growing your first pubic hair and moving out of your parents’ house.
Its a quintessential part of being an adult (which actually makes sense since being an adult holds no appeal for me). Especially in the city, most of my friends start their morning with a steaming cup of java and a subsequent, immediate bowel movement, so you have to wonder, are we all addicted to caffeine?
The answer is most likely a resounding Fuck yes. But in case you are still unsure, here are several ways you can tell:
If you haven’t had caffeine by lunch, does your head start to pound like your college boyfriend, who destroyed your vagina like a rabbit operating a jackhammer?
Is the smell of coffee beans the only thing that makes you feel human anymore?
Do you consume more than 4 coffee drinks per day? If you do, you should probably check your finances too, crackie.
If you haven’t had your morning coffee, do you even consider yourself awake?
Does coffee still give you a crack-like high, or are you so far gone that you need it just to feel normal?
Do you drink more coffee than water?
Is your pee brown, with the pungent odor of a Colombian roast breakfast blend?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you are probably addicted to coffee.
Welcome to adulthood.
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