Stacy, we broke up two months ago.

 What better way to kick off the New Year than by kicking out your significant other! This January has so far seen a slew of celeb breakups- some predictable, some surprising, and most we don’t even really care about. But alas, who doesn’t enjoy getting off on a little bit of someone else’s misfortune? (Especially if that someone else is able to drop more money on a car then you will ever make in life).

 

1. Katy Perry and Travis McCoy

This rock couple had been dating for close to two years and suddenly called it quits last week despite engagement rumors. I’m not going to make any predictable, classless jokes about the reason involving her kissing girls…and liking it. But I DID hear that her new single, “I moved onto scissoring and I like it even more,” is predicted to debut at a triumphant number one. McCoy, on the other hand, expressed his disappointment, sorrow, and humility about ending the respectful relationship by posting on his MySpace blog: “My laptop is my new bitch. LOYAL. LISTENS. and NEVER LETS ME DOWN.”

 

2. Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCall

Now these two actually were engaged before they bid each other adieu a few weeks back. There are rumors circulating that the cause of the romance-ending dispute was a prenup that Hewitt wanted McCall to sign. However, there are also reports that she was out one night and was overheard saying, “I mean, I lost a bunch of ass weight. Just so much weight from my ass. Now I don’t have to be with someone who’s face resembles a d-bag!” Then she whipped out her gigantic boobs and shimmied in celebration.

 

3. Kelly Rutherford and Daniel Giersch

The divorce filings between Rutherford and Giersch, who were married for two years, came as a HUGE shocker. I mean, she’s beautiful, kind, caring, a successful star of a new hit series (Gossip Girl), and breastfeeds her two-year-old son. I’m sorry, what was…? What was that last part? OF COURSE THEY’RE DIVORCING! I know when I have a son I want his most formative years to be filled with memories of years of sucking on my bosom. While Giersch was trying to teach his son how to catch a ball, run around bases, and other necessary coordination-based skills, Rutherford was whipping out her nips for dinnertime. I know Gossip Girl pays well; I think you can afford some Chef Boyardee.

 

4. Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson

Now, this is yet-to-be confirmed so don’t get your strap-ons in a tizzy. However, rumors have been circulating that Lohan has moved out of Ronson’s house and has been seen moping around LA, much like Brooke Hogan does when Wet Seal isn’t having a sale. Are the world’s two favorite lesbians over for good? Perhaps they’ve decided to enter new stages in their lives, stages that involve eating. Or having careers. Or maybe it’s something really cool that we don’t even know about. I just can’t wait to find out.

With the drama of 2008 behind us, we must grab hold of 2009 by the balls, if you will, and dredge the depths of our souls with optimism for every ounce of hope possible that the antics of the past were mundane compared to what awaits us in the New Year. I want to see more panty flashing, more stumbling, more walks of shame and many, MANY more substance-induced violent encounters. Cheers!