Butterflies are always following me, everywhere I go. -Mariah Carey (is she smoking something?!)
1. Sore Tushies. You guessed it. My tush is mega sore, and in all the right ways. After a way-too-long period of not getting to the gym or doing anything terribly physical, I made a date with my friend Jason to take a somewhat intense yoga class last night. I let Jason pick the place and the class level, so long as it was at about 6 PM so I could be home in time to tuck Benny. Well, Jason is a neurotic SOB and told me the class started at 5:40. I arrived at 5:28 on the dot, ready to pay and grab a mat.
Me: I’m here for the 5:40 flow class.
Reception Girl: There’s no 5:40, there’s a 5:30 class. Grab a mat and get in there!
Me: Really? I guess my friend had a typo in his text. Will you just tell Jason that I’m already in the class when he arrives?
Reception Girl: Sure thing!
So I went in the class with only about 30 seconds to spare before starting. Obviously there was only room left in the front of the class, which was not my ideal because I hadn’t practiced in what felt like forever and I hardly wanted to be a display for 17 eager yoga enthusiasts. Seriously, they didn’t all need to stare at my ass as I struggled to keep my warrior pose. About 35 minutes of class went by before I started to sweat like a dying hyena (do they sweat? I imagine they do, anyway). Just as the drops of sweat were rolling down my collarbone a totally hot gay guy barged into class screaming, “is there a Bryce in here? Bryce! Bryce!”
Me: Um, ya?
Hot Homo: Your friend Jason is here! You’re in the wrong class! You need to get over to the more advanced class for 6 PM next door!
Me: (muttering “fuckinell”)
I picked up my things, joined the next class as a sweaty mess and proceeded to do another 65 minutes of headstands, tree poses, and things that made me wonder if I had reached nirvana from sweating out at least 12 gallons of fluid. The whole 2nd class was made complete only by Jason’s casual announcements like “tall girls are limber!” and other such helpful phrases. Thanks, Jason. My ass is totally sore thanks to you. I hope your boyfriend is on top tonight so you can feel my pain.
2. Because I’m Healthy… By the time we got out of class I was tired, hungry, cranky, smelly, and somehow energized… so the only reasonable thing I could think to do was march up another 10 blocks to the Doughnut Plant on 23rd Street for a binge fest. I might’ve purchased a 2nd doughnut “for Benny.” It’s hard to say if Benny ever really got that doughnut.
3. GIRLS!!!! I have a small bone to pick. If you suspect your dude is sleeping with other girls, he’s probably not the right guy to begin with. If you actually find long, dark hairs in his bed and you happen to be a blonde (or vice versa), he’s definitely not the right dude. In fact, I’d like to start a general petition for not sleeping with dudes till you’re totally in love (and he’s totally in love with you).
