I remember one time I took my nephew to the mall in our hometown. In the middle of the courtyard, they had a pool set up with these human bubble balls. I wanted to do it so bad that I could taste the polystyrene in my mouth, but unfortch they don’t allow big, sexy 5’11’ grown-ass men to splash around with kids in a pool the size of a Prius. I tried to convince him to do it, but he was scared of balls apparently. I guess the gay gene doesn’t actually run in the fam. Anyway, here is my diatribe on human bubble balls.
Great exercise: If you ever owned a hamster when you were young, you are already convinced. Do you remember how much fun hamsters looked like they were having when they rolled around the living room? Even though they were obviously trying to escape and it was probably a cruel and unusual punishment, it was great exercise. My Hamsters were like fuggin body builders.
Fun when you’re drunk: Even if you are scared of balls like my nephew, you probably aren’t scared of anything when you are faced. Better yet, you can bring some liquor in the ball with you and get drunk whilst you roll around. It will basically take the feeling of being buzzed and multiply it by a thousand. You can also put your passed out friend in one and watch them panic when they wake up naked, encased in an orb, in the pool.
Great for sex: I have three words for you: baby oil, nudity, and a consenting partner.
An awesome water sport for summer: My personal dream is to be pulled in one of these orbs behind a speed boat. If you have ever been tubing, you know how butt-crazy it is to be pulled behind a boat traveling at breakneck speed. Imagine if it were impossible to fall off! Better yet (and do not try this at home because I am pretty sure you will end up murdered) fill it with helium and go boat-floating!
For those of you who are claustrophobic, or scared of suffocation, don’t flatter yourself. The balls are clear and your lungs aren’t that big. So get off your fat asses and ride around in a human bubble ball this weekend! I will be the drunk one in the distance, having sex in a helium ball pulled behind a helicopter.
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