In awkward news, I have found a photo of the absolute hippest hipster alive, and have decided to break down for you just what, exactly makes him so hip.
His Ellen DeGeneres swoopy bang falls perfectly diagonal over the brows as if constantly swept sideways by a unicorn fart, but you can bet that not even gale force winds could move it.
His beard doesn’t match his hair, and is only slightly thicker than his leg hair. He is so stylish, even the follicles on his body (of which there are many) are struggling to outdo each other.
His tattoo is front and center, just begging you to ask what it means. I’m sure he will tell you about that semester he spent in Africa feeding blind, orphan, illiterate tiger cubs, but only if you ask, which might just happen since none of his shirts have buttons above the belly button.
His shirt is so vintage, it will give you asbestos poisoning. Polyester and open flames don’t mix, but he is a rebel, and will still smoke his American Spirits whilst riding a rusty bike.
His pants are so tight you can see the veins in his penis. Arguably the worst thing about men’s hipster fashion is how tight the pants are. The good news is that this affects the sperm count, and in a few more years, hipsters will be completely extinct.
And then, Urban Outfitters will promptly go out of business. Win-win.
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