Beat the Holiday Blues With Booze

Time and time again, the holidays have proven to be a “special” time of year; a time that presents a slew of introspective questioning. Like, how do I explain to Baby Michael that Santa received a budget cut? Why did I choose the office douchebag in the annual Secret Santa lottery? Why won’t any of my holiday dresses of yesteryear fit around my large ass?

Not to worry, my friends. With the pain of parting with your meager earnings comes the unmitigated joy of alcohol consumption. Here are a few recipes to keep your spirits high during all of your dysfunctional family festivities and regretful office parties.

For the wino: Brown Sugar Mulled Wine (via)

If you’re a seasoned wino, biology should tell you that it’s time to switch to mulled wine at the first hint of winter. Perhaps on Day Light Savings Day. Or on the Winter Solstice. However you wanna do it. Just make sure you’re in walking distance of a bathroom mirror. No one wants to tell your mouth looks like you sucked off Clifford The Big Red Dog, but it does.

2 bottles dry Cabernet Sauvignon
Peel of 1 orange
1 cinnamon stick, broken into halves
8 whole cloves
1 whole nutmeg
1/4 cup packed brown sugar
orange slices

• Pour wine in slow cooker.
• Wrap orange peel, cinnamon stick halves, cloves, and nutmeg in cheesecloth.
• Add to slow cooker. Cover and cook on HIGH 2 to 2.5 hours.
• Ladle into glasses.
• Garnish with orange slices.
• Try not to break any wine glasses before Uncle Marvin recites the shehecheyanu.

For the traditionalist who still goes to Midnight Mass or the Jewish Equivalent: Chocolate Egg Nog (via)

It’s okay that you’re a little boring, [insert person in the family who refuses to try something different, like the republican in your family or the grandma who still buys those orange circus peanut candies as if anyone of sound mind and body could stomach them]. You deserve a drink, too! Maybe it’ll keep you from talking about how we pulled out of Vietnam too soon or mistaking a non-caucasian guest for “the help.”

8 eggs
3 cups chocolate milk
2 cups milk
1 cup cream
1 cup Kahlua liqueur (or delicious, freshly brewed strong coffee)
1 cup dark rum
1/2 cup brown sugar
¾ teaspoon cinnamon, ground
¾ teaspoon nutmeg, ground
pinch cinnamon, ground (as garnish)
pinch chocolate, grated (as garnish)

• In a large saucepan over a medium heat, pour the milk and chocolate milk.
  Heat the milks, but DO NOT BOIL.
• In a large bowl, beat the eggs and brown sugar until they are well combined and of a reasonably thick consistency.
• When the milk mixture is hot (but not boiling), add approximately half of it to the bowl containing the beaten eggs and brown sugar.
• Whisk well.
• Pour all of the egg, sugar & milk mixture back into the large saucepan.
• Reduce heat to low.
• Slowly and gently, add in the Kahlua liqueur/ coffee, and then the cream.
• Stir continuously until the mixture has thickened enough to be able to coat the back of a spoon.
• Remember not to ever allow the mixture to boil.
• Remove the eggnog from the low heat.
• Stir in the dark rum, ground cinnamon and ground nutmeg.
• Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until chilled (at least 3 hours).
• To serve, ladle the eggnog into individual glasses, and garnish with a little grated chocolate or ground cinnamon.
• Skip dinner. You’ve hit your food pyramid quota for the day.

For the person who really, really needs a stiff drink: The Red Manhattan (via)

Whether you’re living paycheck to paycheck, or so lonely that you’re considering reclaiming whatever religion you abandoned in your late teens, or your family forgot to invite you to dinner, again, for the seventh year in a row, one thing is for certain– it’s time to get drunk. And if you are living paycheck to paycheck, find someone else to foot the bill. According to John 2:1-11, it’s what Jesus would do.

2 parts Red Stag by Jim Beam

1/2 part dry vermouth

½ part sweet vermouth

• Prepare into a shaker over ice.
• Strain into a martini glass with a long stem.
• Garnish with a cherry.
• Call a cab.

For the person that managed to escape seasonal depression and actually enjoyed the holidays: Caramel Appel Martini (via)

Kudos for surviving! Sure, Mom and Pop may have inquired about your future boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/kid/savings-for-a-retirement-home-not-like-the-one-we-stuck-our-parents-in, though, something-nicer, Pop-wants-to-play-golf-until-the-day-he-dies, don’t-make-me-remind-you-that-I-wiped-your-ass-for-you-when-you-were-a-child, you-ingrate; but you took it like a champ and for that–you deserve to get laid after dinner (by a human, a machine, a good ol’ fashioned hand, fuck it! It’s the holidays). Indulge yourself with a drink that’ll make you wish you could reproduce with alcohol and call it a day.

1.5 oz Apple cider or juice
1.5 oz Van Gogh Wild Appel Vodka
.5 oz Van Gogh Dutch Caramel Vodka
.5 oz Apple Schnapps

• Glaze the inside of a chilled martini glass with caramel syrup and place glass in the refrigerator until ready to use. 
• Add all ingredients into a shaker with ice and shake vigorously. 
• Strain into chilled glass glazed with caramel syrup.
• Float a thinly sliced apple round (seeds removed) on top.
• Throw on lingerie and some Al Green.
• Keep your phone nearby for accessibility– sexting is imminent.
• That, or a phone call from your drunk ass friend who spent the holidays drinking The Red Manhattan.

Happy holidays!