Bryce Gruber’s Thoughts of the Day (giant boobs edition)

“You can always tell what kind of a person a man really thinks you are by the earrings he gives you.” -Audrey Hepburn

1. Why Doesn’t Anyone Tell Women This Stuff? I was strolling around the city with my son today just sort of looking back on fond memories of him as a tiny baby. I know he’s only two now, but the past two years have gone by so quickly that they’re almost a complete blur. I remembered the first moment I saw him (confused by his red hair and light eyes), the first moment I held him to my breast, and even his first fart. But those are all the beautiful moments that somehow every woman sort of expects to have when they decide to embark on motherhood. I was 24 when I had Ben, and had literally spent ZERO time with babies before he was born. I didn’t even know how to change a diaper until the nurse at the hospital looked at me with total, utter disappointment and said “sweetheart, the vaseline is for his butt… not your lips.” So I can’t help but wonder why there isn’t a practical guide for the early days of motherhood that gets handed out upon the arrival of each fresh human? There’s so much to know. Stuff like bleeding and porn star boobs.

2. Bellies. Before I got pregnant I was 5’8″ and about 125 pounds. The day I gave birth I was 180 lbs. Before you starting thinking what a piggish pregnant lady I must’ve been, let me tell you this: you’re wrong. I barfed 24/7 for 9 months. I could barely hold a piece of bread down, so I have no idea how the hell I managed to gain 55 lbs and look like there was a torpedo shooting out of my abdomen. My arms, legs, and ass basically all remained in tact but my stomach was SO big that when I sat down the tip of my belly would actually rest on my knees. I was religious about rubbing shea butter all over my stomach like 90 times a day throughout my pregnancy so luckily my skin is relatively unscathed… but no one tells women that it takes a few weeks to have a semi-normal looking stomach again, and at least 3 months to get your pre-baby stomach back.

3. Porn Star Boobs. When Ben was born I was a little low in the confidence department- I was a new mom that knew nothing about babies, single, and tremendous. As my stomach started to shrink in the days following Ben’s birth, my boobs were on a non-stop upward trajectory toward porn star heaven. The more milk my kid drank, the more milk my boobs produced. I went from a pre-baby B cup to a double D in almost no time at all. And, because I breastfed for about 1 year, my boobs were ginormous for all that time. It was phenomenal. I had giant, bouncy boobs that could kick the ass of any fake boobs out there. They were so high that they were basically resting near my ears, and I loved them. If you’ve got to be a single mom figuring things out on your own, you’ve got to breastfeed. You get the added confidence of feeling like you’re providing something entirely natural to your baby and then you get to prance around town with tits like honeydews. I didn’t even have a boyfriend or any action in the romance department… I just enjoyed them to the fullest because I knew they were part of a fleeting moment in time.

4. Gross. Oh, and why doesn’t anyone ever tell you that you’ll get a totally gross period-like situation after your kid is born? Only it’s worse than a period. It’s like a period mixed with your internal organs put in a blender and dripping out of your vagina for like 2 weeks.

5. Boys Are Gross From Day 1. I was totally under the impression that my baby would be a cute, cuddly little muffin for at least a year or two… and he sort of was. Unfortunately, it only took about 2 weeks of existence for him to realize that he enjoyed spraying pee everywhere, about 3 months for him to get a total kick out of farting, and about 6 months for him to discover the joys of touching his genitals. Sigh.

6. That Being Said… I still want like 72,000 more babies. It’s worth it. And I miss the boobs.