Today’s thoughts are brought to you by the toothpicks holding my eyes open. Monday nights are always my alone nights with my son- no nanny, no friends, no one of any sort. Usually Monday nights are filled with giggles, tiny ravioli, and lots of snuggles… but last night went terribly awry. Ben was tired, so I put him in his crib around 8:45 PM. By midnight I heard tears and found him with no pajama pants or diaper. WTF? I left the kid in the crib with a full set of pajamas, so you can imagine how upset I was at midnight to find my kid experimenting with how far he could shoot pee outside the crib in the middle of the night. Ugh. Two full hours of cleaning, laundry, and lullabies later he slept in my bed anyway. He woke at 5:30 this morning singing the Spongebob theme song and asking for blueberries.
1. Speaking of Love & Frustration. I actually wrote yesterday about the Rules of Love, and all sorts of cozy and warm thoughts about the way the heart should be, feel, and respond to the idea of love. This morning I was exhausted, cranky, and just feeling worn out from my post-flu night of non-sleep and realized “wait- it’s actually these moments that love feels really real.” When you’re the most worn out and feel like a sack of bones and something in you tells you to just clean that baby up and cuddle the holy heck out of him- that’s real love. Real love is still feeling tingles of warmth, gratitude, and joy when when the other party is at their worst. I hope someone feels that way about me some day, too. I sure do have my cranky days.
2. You Know Who Might Show Me Some Love? Dunkin Donuts! Heck, yes! In fact, I heard that tomorrow’s New York Post is scheduled to run a little mention of how the wild Bryce Gruber is pulling some mega internet stunt in an effort to woo the executives at Dunkin. I mean, that’d be accurate journalism, that’s all I’m saying. In the meantime, do you think you can help me pass THIS PETITION around a wee bit more? I need 1,000 signatures ASAP!
3. I Invented a New Vagina Product Today. I mean, obviously I did. What else would I be doing with my work days? Actually, I was inspired by a phone call I had at about 11 PM last night with a journalist in Russia. She recognized that I’m the foremost authority on the subject of vaginal beautification on this side of the Atlantic, so she wanted to bounce some ideas off me and get quotes for an upcoming article. We talked, laughed, and I got off the phone feeling flattered and a renewed sense of hope and happiness for all things vaginal. Then, today, in a meeting with with Completely Bare I brainstormed up an idea for a new product that’ll revolutionize the way you pamper your vaj at home. No, it’s not sexual. It’s just incredible. Wait for it… we’re going to really send it into production in the next couple months. But seriously, you’re going to have mega supple labia.
4. Everyone’s Falling Off the Bandwagon. It’s the end of January and it seems that everyone’s slipping right off the old health bandwagon. Just a few weeks ago everyone was swearing off cigs and Coke and swearing onto the gym and new running shoes. What happened? Brad Lamm’s book It’s Just 10 lbs is all about the easy, short-cut ways to avoid bad things and fill your life (and plate) with good things. It’s a pretty no-nonsense approach to getting health, losing weight, and staying on track. I happen to be a big fan of his list of stuff to avoid… it makes everything seem so simple:
I don’t know why the word Labia makes me uncomfortable. Maybe it’s because it is one of those words that can be singular or plural? ex: “I saw a few mangy tick-covered deer on fire island and remember thinking : if Lymes disease is the worst thing I get this weekend I will count myself lucky.”
or “Katy Perry’s eyes make her look like a coked up deer in headlights caught at 9 AM at an afterparty in Weho.
You have given me a lot to think about.