Fingering 101: Professer McConaughey

I hope that one day in the far, far future, when I’m teaching my adolescent, strikingly handsome yet abstinent-until-marriage son the ins and outs (pun intended) of sex, I can pull upon the wise, profound, age-old fingering-wisdom of Matthew McConaughey’s father.

Matthew was recently quoted as saying, “My dad taught me if you ever make a move, whether it’s for a kiss or touching her down there, and you feel the slightest bit of resistance, stop. A lot of times, after you stop, they’re going to say, ‘Now it’s ok.’ Don’t. That time, that day, that’s as far as you go.”

I’d entitle this lesson “Non-Rape 101” and after a short recess we’d continue with “Non-Rape 202” which discusses the importance of safety words during experimentation with rough sex and/or bondage (I find that the word “macramé” works 99% of the time).

The advice, however, from McConaughey Senior continues:

“You do that, and you know what? Women do come back. They say, ‘What? Nobody stops! They want to go out with you again. And eventually you don’t have to stop.”

The old “give a little, pull back, leave them wanting more” technique. Very sneaky. But more importantly, original. My most favorite part is: “And eventually you don’t have to stop.” Which, in manguage (man-language) translates to: once you’ve done it, you can do it every time! Do you think McConaughey Senior has some other fingering secrets he’s holding back from us? Something really cool we don’t even know about? Because if so, I’d like to meet the man. I’d get naked faster than Kirstie Alley at a “Get Naked For Donuts” initiative.

Before we all start picturing ourselves spread eagle with Matthew’s fingers all up in our “down there,” I’d like to know the question that prompted this friendly McConaughey advice. Could it have been, “Hey, Matthew, as an actor, how do you know when you’re about to rape a woman?” Or, “Hey, Matthew, can you describe for us the most recent time you were fingering your girlfriend, and then stopped, and why?”

Perhaps the reason he was nude bongo-ing was because he got sexually frustrated when a girl told him to stop touching her…down there. Perhaps the reason he robbed me of my time and money in “Failure to Launch” was because he got sexually frustrated when a girl told him to stop touching her…down there. Whatever the reason, I think this message should be sent out in a PSA. Fine, fine I’ll volunteer myself to star in it. I’m picturing a reenaction of the sex scene in “Wild Things,” but right after the other woman (preferably Penelope Cruz) and I pour the champagne all over our bodies while we’re on top of the man (preferably Jake Gyllenhaal), pre any sort of penetration, I’ll stop, resist, look at the camera and say, “This time, today, this is as far as I’ll go.”