Sixty percent of the reason to have a kid (besides a tax write-off and excuse to force your high school boyfriend to marry you) is to find new and interesting ways to humiliate it. In honor of that, I have scoured Etsy (no, it wasn’t difficult) and tracked down the cabbage patch kid wig.
First off, as Bryce Gruber knows if you are going to wig your baby, you should go with nothing but the best of the best, i.e. a sexy brown bob from the Raquel Welch wig collection for RiteAid. This crocheted yarn wig would get thrown out of Beyonce’s dressing room so fast it would flatten into a knit scarf. In other words, it’s a hilarious way to shame your child. Secondly, cabbage patch kids weren’t attractive if I remember correctly (since I had one in every color). So slapping this wig on your son or daughters head is the perfect way to say “my child is acting like a tubby overweight dumpster diver with stubby toes, so I am going to treat him or her like one”.
Lastly, Etsy has provided us with all kinds of entertainment from unicorn accessories to vagina cupcakes. Supporting artists is just the Christian thing to do.
If you want to pick up a cabbage patch kid wig, you can do so here. They are in high demand, so you might have to get in line behind a bunch of other parents who either have an awesome sense of humor, or are complete assholes.
