How to Add “Perfect Blowjob” to Your Sexual Resume

True story: I have been teaching girls how to give blowjobs since high school. As a gay man, I feel it is my civic duty to impart my vast knowledge on the subject since I know how it feels coming from both sides.

In the age of online dating, there are more options out there than ever, so adding perfect blowjob skills to your sexual resume is just one more way to get the job, no pun intended. I don’t just want you to be proficient in blowies, I want you to have a master’s degree. Here are several tips and tricks to get you started:

1. Do not swallow on a first date. Yes, I have made this mistake before. Nowadays it isn’t unlikely that you will end up in bed on the first date. Since we are dating more people, a first date has become less like a job interview, and more like a test drive. If you swallow on a first date, you are telling the guy that you are willing to swap DNA with a perfect stranger. Even I would be wary of that. Give your first date a taste of what is to come (again, no pun intended) and then turn away at the last moment.

2.Hands are absolutely necessary. I often hear girls complain that their jaws get tired during blowjobs. This is because if you are down there long enough for your jaw to get sore, then you aren’t doing it right. Use your hands to jerk or twist at the base, and your mouth to jerk or twist at the head, and you should be able to get the job done in 5 minutes, tops.

3.Wet hands are different than dry hands. Some guys jerk off with dry hands, and some use lube. This will determine which path to take. To trick your guy into revealing this info, start off your sexcapades by spanking your own vagina for a moment. This will prompt him to jerk off. If he spits on his hand first, he is a lube guy. If he goes, in dry, then so do you. As a general rule, uncut guys always jerk off dry, but this isn’t to say that a little moisture won’t help seal the deal. When in doubt, always use spit, and rub in a twisting motion near the base. This technique basically never fails.

4.Remember that childhood game, Indian Rugburn? If you really want to blow a guys mind, make sure your hands are good and wet, and use both to twist in opposite motions, like the Indian Rugburn game that used to make us want to murder our siblings. Use your mouth at the head in a bobbing motion, like a fucking carwash. This method is much better for circumcised/Jewish guys but it works so well because it’s something they can’t ever do to themselves.

5.If you are going to deep-throat, try the 69 position. If your guy wants to go balls deep but you are scared of your gag reflex, try doing it upside down. The curve of the penis and the curve of your throat fit together a lot better when you flip a bitch, and it also gives him a reason to go clam-diving.

6.If the guy is uncut, steer clear of the head. Sucking on the exposed head of an uncut guy’s junk would be like someone sticking their sand-paper wrapped finger directly on your clitoris and pushing down. If you really want to give it to an uncut guy use his foreskin as a barrier shield and then just imagine pulling your hand through the armhole of a really tight sweater, over and over again.

7. A well-placed hand can prevent a catastrophe. It’s a fact of life that sometimes you are going to get an overzealous guy that just wants to fuck your face. It is true that if he gets too crazy, you will probably vomit on him, and nothing kills sexy time faster than chunks of lentil soup and Skinnygirl Margarita. To prevent this catastrophe, (unless you are a pro) put your wet hand at the base to prevent him from pushing all the way in. The spit on your hand will feel good to him (because it will make him think his dick is just too big for you) and also prevent you from losing those calories you counted so carefully, so it’s really a win-win.

Implement all these tricks the next time you are in the boyfriend interviewing process, and you are sure to get hired. The job should include long hours talking about your feelings in bed, free lunches, and overtime. Benefits include dental, vision, and having a date to your cunty sisters wedding.

God, she’s such a bitch!