Pooping in public. Le sigh.
Even though everybody does it, nobody really likes to talk about poop. I don’t even like to talk about it, but if discussing it can help even one person, then I have done my job. We have all had those moments when we are walking through an American Eagle in Georgia, and realize we may or may not have just shat our manties.
Luckily my friends know exactly what “We have to go, now” means, but in case you don’t, it means we need to get to a Starbucks bathroom immediately.
I know we all like to evacuate our dance-floors in the privacy of our own homes, but in case that isn’t an option, here are a few other tips and suggestions for dealing with pooping in public.
Find a Starbucks. This is the easiest, because Starbucks has single bathrooms with locking doors, and they are conveniently located every-fucking-where. The downsides are the lines, and that homeless people have discovered this too, but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Go to a gas station. The kind of people that defecate in gas stations (especially when the bathrooms are on the outside) are not likely to judge you for whatever comes out of your ass, because chances are they have done worse, in a plastic bag, in the cab of their semi-trucks.
Run the water. You never know what kind of noises you will or won’t make, and if there was a cute guy in line behind you, he is more likely to believe you were just washing your hands or praying if your asshole isn’t playing a riff from the London Symphony Orchestra of farts.
Courtesy flush. If you are in a stall and other people are around, a courtesy flush or two will go along way towards masking both noises and strange odors.
Be patient. Try and wait until the bathroom is empty to exit the stall, especially if what you were doing in there could potentially land you in Hell.
Own it. If there is no other option, and you have committed a class two felony assault on the toilet bowl, you have nothing to lose but to own it. Every single person in the world has had the Hershey squirts at least once, but we are all still so bashful about it. If you ask me, annihilating a bathroom should be something to be proud of.
After all, what goes in, must come out, so we might as well just celebrate the shit out of it.
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