My mom always told me that when I turned 18, she was kicking me out of the house. Luckily I was so happy to move out of my hometown she barely had time to say goodbye, but that isn’t always the case (especially in this economy). It should be written into a parenting contract that after you pop out of the vagina, you have exactly 18 years to get your shit together and move out. Unfortunately sometimes having empty nest syndrome is nothing but a pipe dream, and adult kids stick around their parents home, annoying the crap out of them, and creating a shit-tastic situation for all involved.
The answer seems simple: stop coddling them and kick them out on the street. Kids are master manipulators though, and parents never want to turn their back on their offspring. Put those two factors together and add-in a useless college degree and mounds of student loan debt and you have a recipe for disaster. That being said, there is always a way:
Charge them rent: Even if you aren’t trying to get rid of your adult kids this very second, charging them rent will at least get them in the mindset of paying for their share and taking care of themselves. The amount of this rent should be directly proportional to how disrespectful and/or annoying they are.
Walk around Naked: You raised those little bastards for 18 years, so you deserve to do what you want in your own house. Walk around naked for a week and see if you don’t find them glued to their laptops scanning Craigslist roommate-wanted scam ads.
Have sex, often: Even if you don’t have the energy to do it every day, I am sure you can muster up the ability to fake it. It can become a game with your spouse, trying your best to gross out your kids. Who knows, it might even lead to the real thing once in a while.
Stop cleaning up after them: I know you don’t want to live in a dirty home either, but cleaning up after your adult child is the LAST thing you should do.
Call the Police: If shit gets too real, calling the police is a definite way to get the point across. You should only do this if they pull something really unacceptable though, like have sex in your bedroom, or put a drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Cut off the Internet: Nowadays everyone is online, even your parents’ parents. I would never suggest that you actually cut off the Internet totally, but you can move/hide the router and change the password. Your kids probably won’t survive 4 days without Facebook and porn.
Get them into a relationship: It’s a proven fact that living with your parents is a relationship killer. Trying to hook them up with a relationship is an easy way to shame them into vacating your premises.
Post embarrassing photos of them on Facebook: Take embarrassing photos of them when they are sleeping, eating, and taking a dump. Then upload to Facebook and Instagram, and tag them.
Burn down the house: If all else fails, burn down the house, collect the insurance money, and buy a much smaller house in a much nicer state. Chances are your kids won’t relocate with you, and you can cut them out of your life once and for all!
I hear Florida is nice this time of year…
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