I Lost My Anal Virginity at Paul Labrecque

For those of you who know me, you know I’m pretty serious about saving things for special occasions.  You know my feelings on saving anal sex for marriage, but I ventured up to Paul Labrecque Spa at The Core Club in NYC last week for my first colon hydrotherapy session.  I was nervous. Someone was about to shove something up my butt, and even worse- they were going to stay there the whole time till everything they shoved up there came right back out (a whopping 30 times).

Fortunately the actual scene was less than scary- the colon hydrotherapist (“hey Mom, I think I’m going to irrigate colons when I grow up.” – what?!) was a super sweet woman that was brimming with knowledge and general enthusiasm for all things health-related. Before we even started she gave me the entire scoop on what foods help keep you in optimal colonic health, and which foods can slow down the entire system leading to fatigue, depression, and a whole bunch of other stuff that no one really wants to deal with. Birgit, as she’s called, made me feel comfortable and relaxed by allowing me to stay mostly robed… because the last thing anyone wants is to have to be naked with a stranger for an hour while that stranger is irrigating their colon.

I learned that everything I thought I knew was wrong. Pre- colonic I was eating chicken 4 or 5 times a week whether in a sandwich, straight up, or mixed into some kind of delicious dish but apparently colons just don’t know how to handle poultry.  A little bit is fine, but the portions that most people eat (beyond just a bite or two) can actually cause colon placque (UGHHHH) making it really hard for stuff to um, pass through. And the more placque you have down there, the more weight you gain, gas you have, and discomfort you experience. Oh shit.

Birgit treated me to 30 cycles of hydrotherapy in my hour or so on her table. She used disposable equipment (phew), and had some seriously high-tech machinery. At times I was a little uncomfortable (like when there was a rod being inserted in my tuchus), but after a minute or two at most the discomfort dissipated and I could actually feel my body being cleansed. By the time I left, I had dropped a couple pounds (yeah, seriously), and my post-baby pooch that I’ve been hating for nearly two years was somehow almost gone.

Experts recommend 6-10 treatments spaced about a week apart each year, with older people typically needing the most treatments since they have the most colon gunk. I would definitely suggest seeing Birgit at Paul Labrecque Spa because the facilities are super private (you’ll never run into anyone), the staff is sweet and informed, and it’s a cinch to get to.