1. Girls that talk like baby prostitutes on Vicodin: I call this voice the Jonbenet because frankly, it sounds like her, and even more frankly, it makes me want to smother these girls and bury them under my basement. I am talking to the Kim Kardashians and Paris Hiltons of the world: nobody believes your voice really sounds like that. Talking in that voice at best, demeans your intelligence and at worst, attracts Japanese businessmen.
2. Girls that act like they are constantly on the rag: Kristen Stewart, I am looking your way. At least when Victoria Beckham acts unhappy its because she is hungry. Girls only get one week of excused bitchiness per month; anything else is just taking advantage of the system. So the next time you are feeling super emo think about this: frowning while you are drinking your latte and smoking a clove cigarette will only make you age quicker. Before you know it your face will look like Michael Douglas’s ass, and then you will really have something to be upset about.
3. Girls that use their beauty as an excuse: We have all heard that washed up lesbian Jessica Biel constantly bitch about the fact that she can’t get roles because she is so pretty. Apparently, she hasn’t seen Charlize Theron in Monster. Girls that complain that they get treated differently because of their looks need to shut the fuck up and really look in the mirror. More often than not, they are the same girls who are constantly putting a lot of effort into looking good in the first place. So lay off the foundation, peel off your eyelashes and don’t wash your hair for two weeks and then see how the world treats you.
4. Girls that act overly cutesy or quirky: Zooey Deschanel is the queen of this and it irks me above all else. I understand that we are all born with a different set of circumstances and we have to work with what we have, but these overly effected girls with fidgety hand movements, cartoon voices, and saucer sized eyes make me want to steal into their rooms at night with a pair of sheers and chop off their face-framing bangs. I get that nerdy guys need someone to beat off to, but at the end of the day all the uniqueness these girls put on is just an act. Lets put it this way girls: Nobody really wants to fuck “cute”. That would be like wanting to have sex with a 2 month old puppy.
Straight guys, you are on your own.
I love you.