Rant of the Week: Advice on Tanning Beds from a Brown Person

Written by Gary

Do you want my advice on tanning beds? My thoughts on it are pretty simple: Don’t do it.

Have you ever seen a wrinkled old leather coach bag, sitting by itself sadly in the $5 bin at your local thrift store? Do you want that to be your future? Admittedly, Jersey Shore was definitely a thing in the last few years. Now its just the story of a bunch of clueless orange idiots that can’t seem to find a way out of their contracts. Even Snooki realized it was time for something more and decided to have unprotected sex for the first time (If you actually believe that, then the tanning bed probably fried your brain).

The sad thing is that people think that having orange skin and white hair is actually beautiful. I say that your natural skin color (whatever that may be) is actually beautiful. You should embrace it and find ways to make it work for you, rather than trying to look like a fucking dehydrated caprese salad.

I am 100% for a sun-kissed look, or a fresh off the beach touch of color. When your goal is to look like a carrot cake though, you should really reconsider who your role models are. If your goal is to look like Jwoww, Lindsay Lohan, or any of the Mob Wives, then congratulations you are well on your way to skin cancer city. If your goal is to look like Kim Kardashian, then you should probably give up. She was born with that color, and the only way you are going to even get close to that level of beauty is to embrace your natural color and dress to accentuate it.

In case you aren’t yet convinced, I have included this rare photo of the hindquarters of a geriatric Italian elephant. Her name is Deena Cortese. Stay out of the tanning bed unless you want this to be your face.

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About the author


Gary is the gay guy that every girl wants to be, and every guy wants to be with (Mostly because he can't get pregnant). He is based in Manhattan, but loves traveling to exotic new people, and sleeping with interesting new places. He is an adventurous writer, digital artist, and game designer that will try almost anything if it makes a good story.
--Instagram: @garyadrianrandall --Twitter: @gadrianrandall

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