In case you didn’t already know, mermaids are a thing right now. They may not be so huge in the straight world, but in the gay and female arenas, mermaids are trending harder than teen pregnancy and the winter flu. Some innovative designers are even making bags from mermaid skin nowadays. So I recently bought an iPad (to help with my writing, since I am most inspired when I am in the bathtub) and I decided to jump on the bandwagon by randomly downloading an app called Mermaid World.
And now I am obsessed. Not only is Mermaid World a crazy racket (There are 51 mermaids, and you basically have to whip out your credit card if you want to get any of the good ones before you are too old to pee upright) but they also introduce special edition mermaids that are only available for a limited time. Your goal is to collect mermaids, keep them happy, and decorate their homes, which is frankly the gayest thing I have ever heard. On top of that, some of the mermaids like each other, and some of them hate each other, and you have to breed them together to create new ones, that you can only get if you let them sing a duet for like 20 hours, all the while looking like Lisa Franks butthole exploded, in a very good way. Are you catching on to the ridiculousness of all this yet? I tried to find an excuse for why this game sucked me in, but the only thing I can justify it with is that it will be great to keep children busy on road trips and vacations (which is great since I don’t have a license and don’t know that many kids).
I can’t help that I am addicted to mermaids now, but I can warn you. If you own an iPad, don’t download this game unless you want to become it’s slave. I named my mermaids funny things like Gingernips, Bonerscones, and Herpes, and I like to send them on meaningless missions to prove that I have control over them, but sometimes I wonder if they are the ones controlling me. The moral of the story is, you should enjoy mermaids any way you can while they are hot right now, and if you end up just a little bit gayer, then its a win-win for everyone.
Grimytits was my first mermaid. If I am now so gay that I explode into a cloud of glitter, blame her.
Blueballs proves that mermaids come in all shapes and sizes, from waif-thin to Kim Kardashian