Rant Of The Week: Santa Claus Doesn’t Exist Because I Can Touch Myself

santa claus letter
Written by Gary

santa claus letter

I know that headline probably doesn’t make much sense upon first reading, but bear with me. When I first read this letter I thought: Oh, how sweet! They are crushing a young child’s dreams. Then as I read further I realize that their explanation, while sweet, isn’t factual. Their reasoning is that believing in Santa Claus prepares a child for the inevitability that he will have to believe in some things that he can’t see or touch. Then, they list the things he will have to believe in, starting with 3 things that you can both see and touch. I touch myself literally every night; sometimes more than once. I see my family twice a year, which for some might be a little too often, but for me its not enough. I see and touch my friends all the time, in fact that is how some of them became my friends in the first place. God is a non-issue, because like Santa, I’m pretty sure someone made him up to capitalize on something else-such as peace, rather than apocalyptic chaos stemming from too many non-unified cultures and religions.

My mom never even pretended there was a Santa Claus. Her stance was: “I am the one busting my ass and putting those toys on lay-a-way at Kmart, so I am going to get the credit for it.  My family and I have had some of the most amazing holidays together ever, because we stripped away all the mythology and bullshit that comes along with them and concentrated on what was important- eating, drinking, and spending time with the few totally irreplaceable people in your life.

So think long and hard about what you tell your children about Santa Claus. The idea of a hairy old man climbing into their house at night, eating their food, and tempting children with toys might scar them for life. Not to mention you are teaching them that they will only be rewarded if they are good. In some circles, my friends, that is called bribery and extortion.

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About the author


Gary is the gay guy that every girl wants to be, and every guy wants to be with (Mostly because he can't get pregnant). He is based in Manhattan, but loves traveling to exotic new people, and sleeping with interesting new places. He is an adventurous writer, digital artist, and game designer that will try almost anything if it makes a good story.
--Instagram: @garyadrianrandall --Twitter: @gadrianrandall

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