After spending a considerable amount of time with little human beings under the age of 13 this holiday season, I can now realistically state that I like monkey babies better than human ones. Here is why:
Monkey babies groom themselves. You don’t have to constantly wipe snot from their nose, brush their hair, or show them how to apply lip-liner so they don’t look like prostitots.
Monkey babies don’t wine. If they want milk from your nipple, they track you down and latch onto your boob with a vise grip. Human babies just expect you to know what they are thinking. Rude.
Monkey babies entertain themselves. Little humans constantly want your attention, and they will go so far as to do things they know will get them in trouble to get you to look at them. Throw a monkey baby into a tree and it’ll entertain itself for hours. It may go missing, but hey- two birds, one stone, am I right?
Monkey babies don’t expect you to change their diapers. If they have to drop a deuce they just throw it at random strangers. Problem solved.
Monkey babies have prehensile tails. This helps when you are trying to pawn your chores off on your kids, because they can get twice as much done in half as much time.
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