We have all been in the situation where we know we want to break up with someone, but we hold on tighter than Madonna’s skeletal fingers grasp the penis of a Hispanic teenager in hopes that things will change. The truth is, most of the time we are prolonging our own unhappiness and agony, and we eventually reach a breaking point where we can’t stand it anymore. We break down. Then we break up. If you are contemplating pulling the trigger on your relationship, ask yourself the following questions:
1. Does the sight of his face make you want to gouge out your own eyeballs with your eyelash curler, then stuff them in your bra so you will be that hot blind chick whose nipples are always hard?
2. Does the thought of him touching you send your body into a shockwave of spasms that could destroy the coastline of an Asian country, and potentially finally knock One Tree Hill off the air? (Fingers crossed).
3. When you think about your future, does suicide seem a viable option?
4. When you think about reproducing with him, does abortion seem like a viable option?
5. Can you name, off the top of your head 10 or more people you would rather be sleep raped by? Is Mickey Rourke one of them?
6.Do you find yourself constantly avoiding him, starting fights for no reason, and doing things that intentionally piss him off (such as using his face razor on your butthole, accidentally knocking the flat screen off the wall with a baseball bat while the big game is on, biting his dick on those rare occasions where he manages to guilt you into blowing him with that puppy dog face that used to be so cute but now makes you fantasize about euthanizing baby golden retrievers, and replacing his Rogaine with Nair)?
If you said yes to any of the above questions, then I assure you that both of you are fantasizing about other men when you have sex. Why else would be want to put it in your butthole? Why else would you let him? When you are a self aware human being dating another self aware human being it becomes painfully obvious when things aren’t going well.
Sometimes, the woman has to man up, bite the bullet, and pull the trigger.
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