Most of the time, when people are ‘the worst,’ they do not know they are ‘the worst’.
I can, without a doubt, say that I am not ‘the worst’. I am pretty easy to get along with. My barometer for what is cool, and what is uncool is pretty ‘on fleek’. And I say ‘on fleek’ ironically, because anyone who actually picked that terminology up from that Nicki Minaj song and then started sporting it daily as if they were a black rapper with Malaysian hair and plastic tits is the definition of the term ‘try-too-hardsy’.
The problem is, that when people are the worst, they generally don’t know they are the worst. Every group of friends has one friends who is the worst, so look around. Is it you?
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I know it can be hard to admit that you are the worst, so here are 20 signs to help you figure it all out. I don’t want to be sexist, so I broke it down into sub-categories.
Straight females, you are the worst:
If you still do duck lips in photos, even though the entire world knows your lips are thinner than Channing Tatum’s man parts.
If you blow off plans with your best girlfriends to hang out with a guy you just met on effing Tinder.
If you wear any of the following things during the day: sequins, slutty heels, head-to-toe animal print, or fishnet stockings. But especially if you wear more than one of these at the same time.
If, when you answer the phone, you raise your voice a few octaves so that you sound like one of Ariana Grande’s farts.
If, you think of yourself as someone who believes in equality, then gets angry when your boyfriend doesn’t hold the door for you, buy you flowers, or pay your electric bill. Have you ever done any of the previous things for him? Exactly. You’re the worst.
Straight males, you are the worst:
If you flat iron your hair, wear bronzer, or shave your genitals completely. These things aren’t metrosexual, they are just gay.
If you are 21 years old, but still scotch and go to cigar bars. If I need to explain why, then you are a moron, so go about your business.
If your idea of going on a date consists of drinks at 10 PM, and then a sloppy drunken hook up. You may not be looking for a wife, but you should strive for something more than just a random chowder hole.
If you have popped your collar any time in the past 10 years. Even once, I swear.
If your life consists of working at a hedge fund, going to the gym, meeting your bros out for drinks (whilst all wearing striped buttondowns), and then trying to go home with some random drunk slut from a sports bar. You aren’t Christian Bale from American Psycho and you never will be. You are the worst.
Lesbos, you are the worst:
If you make it a habit to date all of your ex’s current and ex-girlfriends.
If you move in with someone after only knowing them for less than 6 months.
If you collect cats.
If you wear board shorts with sandals, with socks.
If you make it your life’s mission to convert as many straight girls as possible, never getting close to any of them because you consider yourself a player. Sigh. The worst.
Homos, you are the worst:
If you ask for a dick pic before you ever ask for someone’s name. Honestly, how is a dick more important than the entire rest of someone’s body? Brain included.
If you move in with someone after only knowing them for less than 6 months. Don’t pretend like lesbians are the only ones who do this.
If you spend all your time at the gym trying desperately to feel better about yourself, only to eventually realize you should have spent all your time with a shrink.
If you do molly, coke, or K during the day, just as a pick-me-up.
If you have never been in love, and aren’t interested in being in love, and spend all your time trolling for D on Grindr only to end up frustrated and jerking off sadly to Sarah Mclachlan ballads. Sarah Mclachlan is unequivocally the worst.
I hope Caitlyn and Laverne aren’t offended that I didn’t include transgender people on this list, but that’s because I think transgender people are the best! The good news is, if you found yourself somewhere on this list, at least you know, point blank, why you are such an asshole, and can immediately change your behavior and be a better person.
Or not. Chances are, if you are on this list, your friends probably hate you anyway.
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