Dear Marketing Execs at Dr. Pepper,
I’ve loved your sweet, fruity soda since the first time it hit my tongue after a soccer game in 3rd grade. In fact, I’ve always supported you. Having “dr.” right there in your name made me feel like my Jewish mother would approve of you, but now you’ve just gone and screwed everything up. Your new 10 calorie soda is more or less pointless (really, if people care that much about the calories they’ll just drink diet), and marketing exclusively at men means only a few things:
- Only homos will drink it, because straight men want to be where vaginas are.
- You’ll find your cans being used as a system of penile measurement in drinking establishments in the West Village, Chelsea, Hell’s Kitchen, West Hollywood, Fire Island, and Fort Lauderdale.
- Only chubby homos will drink this- because everyone knows svelte homos don’t actually ingest ANY calories.
I suggest turning to the ways of big tobacco companies and Coca Cola and just marketing at the already-obese youth of America.
Warmest regards,
Bryce Gruber (a gal without testicles that’ll pair your fizzy soda with a hamburger any day)
