Complaining about the weather during every single season is a right of passage for anyone that lives above the Mason Dixon line. Floridians (and I know, because I will always be one at heart) have no reason to complain since they go to the beach on Christmas. Northerners, however have to deal with things like dry skin patches, gray slush, and coat checks.
I freely admit that I am a seasonal bitch. I even utter the worlds “unseasonably warm” or “unseasonably cold” even during their respective seasons. Every season, no matter the weather I promise myself that I won’t bitch. Every season I break that promise. So here are 4 of my seasonal gripes for your pleasure. Feel free to steal them and bitch to your friends, so they will think you are as bitchingly witty as moi.
Spring:
The air is so full of pollen my pee came out as powder.
I hate cherry blossom trees. During springtime it looks like God had the pepto bismol beer shits.
Summer:
It’s so hot, my jeggings are exfoliating my legs.
My sweaty ass is so swampy you could drive an airboat through my butt crack.
A bead of sweat just trickled from my forehead to my ankles, and ruined my leather sandals.
Autumn (*celebrity edition):
All of the trees are either dying or dead. It reminds me of Lindsay Lohan’s career.
The sky is so gray during Fall it looks like the inside of Charlie Sheen’s lungs.
Winter-
It is so cold, my goosebumps have snowcaps and white people are skiing down my arm.
My nipples are so hard I can use them to ice-skate.
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