Sundance: A Safe Haven for L.A.’s Guidos and Alcoholics

I sit here writing this while I wait for my plane in Salt Lake City, Utah.  When I first left New York about a week ago, I had to make a pit stop in Dallas to pick up my Swiss-Guatemalan business partner, Alex, and another swell Latino man, Eduardo.  Ashley met us out west.  The flight from Dallas was turbulent, which didn’t mix well with the hangover I had from the night before’s wild romp at some disgusting bar aptly titled “The Green Elephant” just off the campus of SMU.  By the time I sat on the plane bound for Utah, the faint scent of vodka tonic and lime was just leaving my system.  Whew, because when I realized I was seated next to a Mormon missionary, I was pleased to not smell of alkie.  Thank goodness the flight was a short one from Tejas, because had I been trapped on that plane any longer, I would’ve ended up in a scene from Big Love (and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have been Barb).  Ashley was lucky enough to be seated to part of the cast from the 90’s hit sitcom The Nanny.  Lucky bitch.  On a positive note, I did have lots of eye sex with some random guy sitting diagonally in front of me… But, I think he was more into it than me (he was young, if he had some greys I might’ve had a mental orgasm).

After a couple hours of near conversion, and occasionally mocking my biz associate’s accents, we arrived at our lovely Park City condo… complete with a fantastic gas fireplace that drew me in.  We began our process of unpacking: toiletries, sweaters, boots, DICK TOWEL.  That’s right.  Ashley brought the dick towel, because no trip is complete without one.  I spent the first night in Park City curled up by the fired in that dick towel.  Memorable, perfect, and sensual are 3 good words to describe how I felt when I woke up covered in flaccid cartoon cock.

After a little r&r at the chateau, we headed out for a wild night of inappropriateness at the Sky Lodge.  201 Heber Street was taken over by the insane party machines at the Eldridge in NYC.  We partied with vintage faves like Simon Rex (where the eff has he been? …side note: Ash totally wanted to bang his brains out), and Thomas Ian Nicholas.  You might remember Thomas from American Pie as Tara Reid’s boyfriend, and it’s a good thing that Ashley basically looks like Tara Reid on her best day ever, but with naturally ginormous boobs.  Ash’s boobs were the hit of the party, but that’s another story.

The party continued through the night, and as Ashley danced closer to Simon Rex’s crotch while chugging vodkas spiked with Monster energy drink, I moseyed on over to the “VIP” area where I found myself grinding in a pool of L.A. guido hipsters (yeah, they’re a combined entity out west), and men that vaguely reminded me of gay Napoleon Dynamite. Obviously I grinded a whole lot with one of the gay Napoleans to the sound of gangsta-rap-meets-pop-meets-euro-crap for at least 20 minutes.  That’s a lot of grinding, and I’m honestly surprised I’m not carrying the baby of gay Napolean right now.  At some point, Eduardo and Alex came and found me in the glittery mosh pit and took me back to the bar.  Whew, more drinking.

Upon finding our way home at about 3:30 AM local time (which to us East coasters was actually about 5:30 AM), we realized we were famished.  Shit.  This is Mormon country, and very little, if anything at all is open at the wee hours.  We were stuck with Dominoes.  As Eduardo called to place an order for pizza and wings in broken English, I curled up the dick towel by the fire and waited for our delivery.  Whoops.  I fell asleep.  And so did Alex, who had turned the TV on in an effort to stay awake.  By the time the pizza delivery man had arrived and Eduardo opened the door, the scene was distinctly inappropriate.  On one part of of the sectional I was passed out covered in a dick towel.  At the other end, Alex was passed out with the remote still in his hand… facing the television that was now showing the Shop @ Home channel.  Apparently at about 5 AM they start selling “Clone A Willy” dildos.  Whoops.

Pizza dude was more than freaked out.

More Sundance 2010 updates to come.