1. Its easy to get laid here. Its even easier to do if you are toting a dog around, because it gives you a reason to talk to strangers. If you see a cute guy, you can tell him your dog has the shits and you need a napkin. Guys love coming to the rescue of a girl with an incontinent dog.
2. Its dangerous here. Having a dog or cat can mean the difference between life and death, especially if you live in Bed-Stuy. Big dogs can scare potential attackers off. Small dogs are so cute that nobody will want to rape you in front of one. Cats are so condescending that your rapist probably won’t be able to get it up in front of one. Having a cat or dog is just as good as having a five-star alarm system and 30 vertical locks on your front door.
3. It gets lonely here. There is no better crotch warmer than a dog or cat, and they don’t understand what it means when you get a lady-boner so there are no awkward conversations. The other reason there are no awkward conversations is that animals can’t talk.
4. People are lazy here. Nowhere else in the world can you order pet supplies and have them delivered to your front door for free. Nowhere else in the world do you interview potential dog walkers by comparing their Master’s Degrees. Nowhere else in the world do people with Master’s Degrees pick up dog shit for a living (Welcome to America).
5. Its stressful here. I have never in my life seen so many people in need of a good handjob and a muscle relaxer. People concern themselves so much with their busy schedules that they often forget that the reason they moved here in the first time was to follow their dreams and have an amazing life. Isn’t part of having an amazing life enjoying said life? Pets are proven stress relievers, and there is nothing more effective than a puppy staring up at your for attention or a cat sticking its ass in your face. Pets remind you daily that the universe doesn’t revolve around you, and no matter how busy you think you are there is always time to pet a bitch.
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