I know that I have often said that babies give you rabies and ruin your jugs. I stand by this point, but I can’t help but think that at some point in my life I will want one of my own. This won’t occur until I am in my forties and have tired of being attractive, but I do think that babies are a great hobby to take up when you are tired of living a self-involved existence (I estimate I have about 11 more years of self-involvement). So while this may come as a shock to you, here are the top five reasons to have a baby:
When you fart in a room full of people, you can blame it on the baby. Its not like the baby is going to argue with you, and frankly babies are such shitting machines that I doubt anyone will even bat an eyelash. I have never understood why people find farting endearing when it comes from a 6 month old. In my book, shit is shit, is shit.
There will always be someone that loves you, even if you are an asshole. So maybe your spouse couldn’t handle your drama and insecurity for more than two years. Your baby will constantly seek out your approval and attention for at least the first 10 years of its life. In this time, you can get therapy and mold yourself into a human being worth being proud of, or descend into a nasty cocaine and alcohol addiction and end up selling your snatch on the corner for coupons to Subway. Either way, you get at least ten years of unconditional love, and perhaps a lifetime of love predicated on the fact that you are a parent and brought someone into the world.
Free shit. I don’t know why people like to congratulate people on being able to find a hole to stick a penis in, but its part of our culture. Reproduction is so easy that even retarded one-celled organisms can do it, yet we treat it like its the fucking accomplishment of the century every time someone has a baby and shower them with gifts and offers of help. Do you know who doesn’t receive help for reproducing? Poor people in the middle ages, and spiders; and yet they do just fine on their own. In my mind that means that having baby just so you can receive a bunch of free shit is as good a reason as any.
You will never have to go to an awkward social function again. If anyone even utters the words: “Hey, do you know what would be epic? If we went-” At this point you just cut them off by saying the word baby. They ruined their chances of convincing you when they said the word epic.
There will always be someone to put you in a nursing home. If you think about it, nursing homes are kind of awesome. They are full of single old people just waiting to die with nothing left to do but play canasta and snuggle with each other. Sounds as warm and inviting as a basket of baby puppies, to me.
So get out there genitals first, have some drinks and make some babies. Its a lot more productive than spending your afternoon trying to impress some phantom audience with your taste in shoes on Pinterest.
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