I thought that the above posted photo was so sweet that it immediately made me consider making fun of it. So here are the top five signs that you are falling out of love:
1. Everyone else starts looking really good. You even start to fantasize about that creepy guy with the awkward face mole that stands at your cubicle just staring at you, until you scare him away with a sage stick. You start to think about what it could possibly be like to just throw the janitor into his closet and fondle him in the dark. Oh, and the thought of putting your boyfriends junk anywhere near any of your orifices grosses you out more than day old devilled eggs.
2. Every conversation you have either ends with boring, monotonous sex, or a knock-down drag-out tranny smackdown fight. I am talking about the kind of monotonous sex when you are staring at the wall trying to plan out the rest of your day, and he is sweating super hard because he is worried about losing his erection. And when I talk about a knock-down drag-out, I am referring to the kind of fight that results in the female sheriff’s of Hillsborough County making a house call.
3. You give less than zero fucks whether or not he knows where you are. You stop checking in, you stop updating your facebook, and you go out with your girlfriends into all hours of the night praying that you get date raped so you have an excuse to leave. When you get home and he is sleeping on the couch, a sense of relief floods you that is so palpable that your fake eyelashes pop off your face.
4. You stop wearing cute underwear. Even if you know its “sex night” you work those stained gray grannie panties to death, hoping he will take one look at them and turn gay.
5. You would rather be alone than with him. This is the most important sign, because chances are, when you first got together you would have rather been with him than alone. When a relationship has run its course, you can tell by the way you refer to yourself. If you stop referring to yourself as part of a couple, and begin to wonder who you are as an individual again, then chances are the relationship is already over and you have already checked out. At that point you just have to find a way to break it to him, without breaking his heart, or him breaking your nose (if you live in the South).
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