It has been scientifically proven by me, inside my head a second ago, that every well-adjusted straight girl needs a gay best friend in order to live a fulfilled life. Why is this? Because the balance of masculine/feminine energy that a gay best friend brings to your life cannot be duplicated in any other form. Also, you can show him your boobs and grind with him at a club. Your boyfriend probably won’t even be jealous.
As we all know, the cornerstone of any great friendship is vacations! So here are the 4 best places in the USA to vacation with your gay bestie : (The most important thing about them being that they all have public transportation/are walking distance from the hotel, for when he leaves you at the bar to go hook up with someone in an alleyway).
New York: There really is nowhere else like it. Can you think of another place in the US where gay clubs will turn girls away if the ratio inside isn’t correct? Its payback time, ladies! There are gay people EVERYWHERE here, so even if you find yourselves at a douchey straight bar, there will be plenty to choose from for both of you. New York is a great place for the walk of shame, and people here aren’t ashamed that they want to get to the business. Trudging back to your hotel at 8 AM with tarantula eyes, wearing sweatpants, Jimmy Choo’s and sequins? No problem. Used condom in your hair? Even better.
San Francisco: For the discerning straight girl/gay guy pairing, San Fran is an excellent choice. It is relatively close to lots of great nature hikes and beautiful vistas and the entire city basically lives within a cloud of pot smoke in case you want to revisit your college days when you both had braces and spent long nights braiding each other’s pubes and talking about your professor mantasies. Also, the entire fucking city is on an incline so its great exercise for both your butts.
Miami: Even for people who aren’t super interested in dating Latinos (it would be like sleeping with myself – wait, can I change my answer?) Miami is an awesome vacation spot. For pennies you can get a crappy boutique hotel directly across from the beach that you won’t mind tracking panty-sand into at all hours of the morning. Miami has such a laid back, tropical vibe perfectly in line with downing margaritas at a Beach front bar with your favorite gay. If that weren’t enough, there are drag shows on the street, secluded beaches only miles away, and plenty of people selling baking soda disguised as cocaine by every ATM. Miami is a paradise for the most distinguished of hot messes.
New Orleans: I am going there for New Years this year, and my only regret is that my beard, Bryce Gruber won’t be there. New Orleans is just one of those places where anything can and will happen. You can drink on the street and pee in the alleyways. It is socially acceptable to have your first drink at 9 AM. Culturally, there are antiques, museums, gorgeous graveyards and steamboat rides. The gay side of Bourbon St is only a few blocks down (and connected) to the straight side so it is one city that is both gay and girl friendly. It doesn’t matter if either of you hook up with a guy, a gay, or both at the same time everything is stumbling distance.
So load up your luggage, pack away your gay, and head out of town. The memories we make while on vacation are clinically proven to last longer, and be much more pleasurable than a yeast infection, a Las Vegas marriage, or a child.
FYI…it’s a bad idea to pee in an alleyway on Bourbon. The police in New Orleans turn a blind eye to MANY things, but public urination is NOT one of them. That’ll get you arrested faster than flashing your dick during Mardi Gras.