Most of the time, when you decide to vacation somewhere you do research on all the amazing things you can do, and all the benefits of a visit. I call this an incomplete research process. What I am really interested are all the things that are wrong with a place, and the myriad of different ways I can get into trouble.
So I found this map, which outlines which states are plagued with which problems. I thought I would highlight some factoids for you, to help make your next state-side vacation as exciting as possible:
Only have two teeth in your head? Morbidly obese? Try North Dakota. I doubt this comes as a surprise to anyone, but out of ten total residents of North Dakota, eight are inexplicably fugz. The other two are dead, but nobody has noticed yet because their trailers are spaced 75 miles apart.
Have a retarded baby? Maine is the place for you. You probably want your retarded baby to be around other like-minded babies so it can develop with realistic standards. Keanu Reeves’s parents should have consulted this map.
Want to sell your passport and restart your life on an island in the South Pacific using the name “Ralston Habana”? Who doesn’t? My home-state of Florida is the birthplace of identity theft. This is especially handy if you screwed up your credit at 18-years-old with a Banana Republic credit card, and are looking for some financial relief.
Like to spend hundreds of mind-numbing hours on public transit that smells like a barbie turd covered in burnt hair? Apparently New York is calling your name. I am not sure I agree with this though, as I think that New York should be more ashamed of the numbers of assholes it creates. Los Angeles is the only place in the country with more assholes than New York, but since they are high all the time nobody takes them seriously. Put a bunch of assholes on a 2 hour daily commute, and you have a recipe for success.
I hope this has been helpful. I am off to get an abortion in Delaware.
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