Work Your F*ck Me Pumps

Yeah, I said it. For those of you who either…

• Don’t listen to Amy Winehouse
• Live Under a Rock
• Are Amish

…Fuck Me Pumps are shoes that do all of your dirty talking. They whisper, “Come hither, take off my pants. Make haste!” Typically, FMP are 4-8 inch heels that should not exist outside of the realm of porn flicks. Admittedly– I’m biased; I HATE heels. I regard wearing them as the most cruel and unusual sort of punishment. Despite what my license says, I am not tall enough to get away with wearing flats and sandals everyday, year-round, like I’ve tricked myself into believing. I learned that from living in a city over-saturated with leggy, pencil thin models. Every time one of them crosses my path, a short-person complex is born; the likes of which have not been seen since Napoleon Bonaparte.

The only thing left to do in this situation is strap on some pumps and hope for the best (no emergency toe amputations, no soul-crushing falls down a flight of steps, etc.) I lived this way for awhile because walking in heels seemed like some genetic trait that had missed me. I can’t wiggle my ears, I can’t dance to Salsa, and I can’t wear heels. Fine.

Then Ashley dragged me to Catwalk Confidence, a balance-based workout program formulated by Dr. Emily Splichal. She had to drag me because if there’s one thing I hate more than heels, it’s working out in front of people. It’s always a painful experience to see yourself sweating in a mirror, legs weak with fatigue; while the rest of the class casually balances their body weight on one leg for five minutes, flamingo style, as you cling to what’s left of your life. That’s how out of shape I am.

Dr. Emily graduated from podiatric med school and is a certified NYC exercise instructor who, in a past life, was a competitive gymnast. This perfect storm of expertise makes her a go-to wunderkind when it comes to the mysterious world of high heeled hijinks. Her intensive program mixes balance and stabilization exercises, borrowing moves from yuppie favorites Yoga and Pilates.

Never in my life did I consider standing in place to be a strenuous activity until I took this class. I think I actually discovered some new body parts thanks to Dr. Emily (who, by the way, was very encouraging despite my lack of balance and overall grace.) The class focuses not on how to walk in heels (the majority of the class is completed barefoot), but how to correct the behaviors that make wearing heels so tedious. That being said, you can go once, or weekly– but it’s not a “how-to-pose-in-a-mirror-and-make-terrible-kissy-faces” class; it’s an intense, mixed-bag-of-nuts workout that undoubtedly tones and transforms your body in all the right places (if you stick with it.)

Classes are available at the New York Sports Club for members only (see details here), but the class will be offered in Boston Sports Club, Washington Sports Club, and 3 new NYC locations in October of 2010. An at-home DVD is also available if you’re not a glutton for punishment and prefer to find out how embarrassingly out of shape you are in the privacy of your own home (I think I may take this route next time.) AND, if you’re already a heel and workout pro, find out how you can become certified to teach Dr. Emily’s class here. If you’re more like me, utilize Dr. Emily’s skills in time for Fashion Week, a magical time when flats cease to be acceptable.