What if you are actually almost a year older than you think? According to the Himba tribe in Namibia, Africa, a child’s birth date is not the day they were born or conceived, it is the day they became a thought in their mother’s mind.
I know that sounds crazy, but here is an explanation: When a woman decides she wants to have a child, she goes off by herself and sits under a tree. She stays there, presumably crapping into a hole in the ground and waits for an inspiring song to come. The child’s birth date is technically the day that the mother decides what this song should be. When she figures out that song, she heads back to the village, teaches it to her future baby-daddy, and then they screw. Sometimes they sing this song while knocking boots as a way to invite the child.
The mother teaches this song to everyone in the village, and it becomes a part of the child’s identity. If the child gets hurt, does something wrong like murder, or something good such as invent indoor plumbing, the villagers sing the song to him or her. The idea is that when you recognize your own identity through your song, you will have no need or desire to hurt another.
I like the idea that you are recognized as a person the moment you become an idea in your mother’s mind. I love the idea that your community could have a way to remind you when you are in tune with yourself, and when you aren’t. I am not in love with the idea that I might be a whole year older than I think I am. Customs like this may work in rural Namibia, Africa where everyone eats organic and can cover their crows-feet with beautiful red paste, but here in America I think I will stick to celebrating the day I popped out of my mother’s vagina.
This is unnecessarily and ham-handedly vulgar like a child learning he can get away with cursing for the first time. It’s not funny or edgy and it makes you seem ignorant. You can do better than this.