Attention feminists: there’s a lipstick being developed to glue your vagina closed.
If you’re wondering why anyone even wants a closed vagina, it’s apparently to seal your period in, and as a huge fan of lipstick, I have to tell you this is literally the worst thing I’ve ever heard of (and I’ve heard of many, many things). Why does the internet seem to live in everlasting fear of the vagina? If you have an answer, honestly, I need to know.
A doctor in Kansas named Daniel Dopps invented what he thinks is a groundbreaking, genius product that actually seals the labia minora together. That’s right, use this weird cosmetic-looking glue stick to keep your vagina closed in an effort to lock all your period blood in.
Assuming you have a sane mind, this whole concept is likely horrifying for you and makes you wonder what even inspired this creep to take our blessed, mighty lipstick and turn it into vaj caulk, because we’re not sure what the game plan is after the area is closed for biz. The doc did shared on facebook that “Mensez ends the period mind games.” Does it, though? “The blood stays securely inside where it should be and automatically washes away into the toilet every time you pee, you don’t have to see it and you don’t have to touch it anymore.”
“GUYS LOVE TO KISS LIPSTICK…” Barf.
Can someone just hand this guy a Nobel prize already? I mean, the “Like a self-cleaning shower drain” line is basically poetry, and deserves some kind of international recognition at the very least.
Mensez is apparently made from a “combination of amino acids and oils in a lipstick applicator,” which is intended to be applied directly to the labia to seal the whole vagina closed. Hardly one of the luxury lipsticks you might find at your local Sephora. Urine, however, acts as a solvent for the vajeen adhesive so the minute you start to tinkle, expect a little period sprinkle. We thought vagina yeast bread was the worst thing we had ever seen, but obviously we were terribly wrong.
Dr. Dopps also wants you to know, “No pads or tampons are needed.” He wrote this on LinkedIn, FYI. “Safe, secure, and clean.” God, if I had a nickel for every time someone made a genitals-related promise on LinkedIn.
Admittedly, I’m hardly the real doctor this Dopps guy is, but aren’t vaginas supposed to eliminate period blood and waste via the vagina? Like, isn’t that sort of the point? Also, anyone who has ever taken an elementary school health class knows TSS is a very real, scary thing — and nobody is trying to die from a period, right? There’s just no amount of vaj lipstick in the world that’ll make putting my life on the line worth it.
I have an endless supply, a vaginal black hole if you will, of questions for this guy — but I guess that’s just the point. Vagina glue was invented by a man. The end.
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