Lush On Lush Crime: Namedropping Edition

I can’t pinpoint what exactly excited me about trying Lush Fresh Handmade Cosmetics, but it all comes down to this: It were as though, unbeknownst to myself, I had become an insomniac; staying up until the break of dawn making soap in abandoned warehouses. I then proceeded to create a public image for the soap; using my favorite colors and a word descriptive of myself to build my brand. I used organic properties to create the soap, because that’s the kind of girl I am, even subconsciously.

Then, this soap behemoth that I had unknowingly created in the middle of the night opened 42 locations worldwide. It was only then that my alter-ego Tyler Durden explained to me that it was I, not him, who had conceptualized Lush from the ground up. After I came to terms with who I was (the creator of the perfect handmade soap), I blew up some empty financial buildings, held hands with Helena Bonham Carter, and listened to The Pixies.

That’s what it was like.

What I mean is, if the aforementioned anecdote were true, Lush is the brand I would’ve created in those empty warehouses. Lush is all organic and PETA approved, so don’t worry about Alicia Silverstone showing up to douse you in red paint as you shower.

Buffy Body Butter, $10.75-$21.35

Ashy beast that I am, I need soap with lather. Soap with soul, if you will. I like to feel my soap scrubbing away my atrocities. Did I say atrocities? I meant… dead skin cells. So for me, Buffy Body Butter was the way to go. This serious block of soap is what happens when you combine cocoa butter, shea butter, ground rice, almonds, and aduki beans (and now, I’m hungry. Thank you). This buffer left my skin smoother than a Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas duet with Issac Hayes doing back up vocals.

Because I truly do love smelling like food, I also tried Lush’s Soft Couer Massage Bar. Otherwise known as ‘the Honeymooner’. This soap is clearly for the lover in you. Cocoa and shea butter on the outside, chocolate and massage oil on the inside. Plus, it’s shaped like a heart. Suggestive of using with a partner, no? But I thought, I could either use the bar alone, or wait for the apocalypse to come; so I chose the former.

Soft Coeur Massage Bar, $8.35

This vixen of a massage bar melts away until you’re left with the remains; a silky massage oil. Toffee scented, organic, and also inappropriately appetizing.

Like I said, these Lush soaps leave your skin so smooth that you could win a “Who’s Smoother” contest against Suri Cruise’s ass. But that didn’t deter me from trying one of their after-products.

Dream Cream, my Lush lotion of choice, is made from a multitude of calming plants; including oats, softening rose water, lavender, chamomile, and olive oil (but the list goes on). This lotion is truly awesome after using Lush’s soaps, and here’s why: the soaps buffed and smoothed my skin, and the lotion locked in all of that smoothness. I was afraid that adding lotion to my already moisturized skin would result in feeling ‘slick’, and that’s not what anyone strives for (unless you’re the Fonz). There’s a thin line between slick and smooth. Lush did not cross that line.

Dream Cream, $22.95

The smell was beautiful, frankly. It made me want to compose sonnets and stand outside of someone’s window with a boom box. It was crisp and refreshing. I hate overwhelming, pretentious lotions that wax poetic on Nietzsche and The Animal Collective and just try too hard, in general.

My exploration of Lush products was a fantastic voyage that would put Coolio to shame. There were ups, and there were ups. Just like a broken hot air balloon, but more fun. And no one died in those empty financial buildings I blew up! Lush Fresh Homemade Cosmetics, for the win.