When it comes to an individual’s weight, our cultural logic is simple, if not deeply flawed. Weight gain equals dissatisfaction, letting oneself go, and even depression. Weight loss means we’ve gotten it back together, are motivated and noshing on organic egg whites at all the right intervals. Unless, of course, said weight loss occurs after a breakup. Then raise that red flag. And if the weight comes on during the first year of a marriage, then no worries, it’s classic Newlywed syndrome! See what I mean about flawed?
As much as we’ve been trained to read our friends’ moods, relationship statuses, and mental states through their phsyical appearances, weight is one measurement that’s never fully reliable. Not to mention, it’s something even the most body-flaunting, image-positive friend of your’s will feel insecure about from time to time. Whether it’s a loss or a gain, when a friend’s weight changes, her insecurities can be ripe for picking.
But since it’d be weird to be totally silent when a friend undergoes a visible change in weight (especially a friend you’re close to), it’s helpful to know of ways the topic can be addressed without being insensitive or insincere. And if the weight change is tied to some emotional impulse, then it’s part of your job to be awesome in helping her through it. We wouldn’t turn away if a friend suddenly turned into a Game of Thrones fanatic and disappeared to do cosplay in Central Park, right? Same concept here. Sorta.
1. Save the congratulatory banners. That whole logic I described above needs to be swallowed, digested, deposited, and flushed away. Seriously. Your friend has probably seen enough eyes fixated on her slimmer waist, so you can hold off on the congratulations until she’s told you the loss was intentional and she worked harder than an elf at Christmastime to do it. But until you hear the words “new routine”, “gym membership”, “hot personal trainer”, or any other health-positive key words, keep your celebratory remarks out of the conversation. And if the loss was an outcome of something else, be around to help her get to the bottom of it.
2. It’s not all smooth sailing. Ugh, poor logic shows up again. Regardless of how hard your friend kicks ass (before and after), a change like that doesn’t come without complications. Sometimes the most confusing thing to deal with after a major weight loss is the sudden attention a person receives for their looks. You can be just as kick-ass by lending an extra strong ear to these less expected, often unwelcome effects. Also, by making sure she knows her babe appeal runs on a constant plane that includes her humor, creativity, and positive outlook, rather than a weight-dependent matrix.
3. Jealousy horns are not attractive. There’s not enough room in the world for one more clan of mean girls. Plus Lindsay Lohan and Rachel McAdams already perfected this, and we all saw what happened in the sequel. Just kidding, no one saw that. Do you get my point?
4. She wants support, not a trainer. It’s never your place to raise eyebrows over a friend’s order of extra sour cream at brunch, unless the friend has near-death cholesterol levels and you’re paying for their medical bills out of pocket. You can be encouraging without being militaristic. That’s what she has Javier for, remember?
5. Things will change. You’ve always thought your friend was rad, so part of you wants her to never change at all. But even after the weight is shed, you notice other things changing. The thing is: her appearance is different and people are treating her differently. Somewhere along this path, things are gonna change for her too. Maybe it’s confidence at the bar or a take-charge attitude toward dinner plans when she’d always played the tagalong part. Maybe she starts dating like crazy and launches a business, and you hardly get to see her! Let her map it out, and accept that things are different. If she is the awesome kick-ass lady you’ve always adored, the important things will always stay the same. Or just get better.
Ok. You and your friend are now free to take over the world.
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