A Reenactment of the Five Stages of Closet-Cleaning Grief

Written by Karina

I swear, I’ll start wearing this purple sweater THIS WEEK.

1) I guess I don’t really need to clean my closet. It’s not actually that packed. It’s just well-rounded. A nice buffet of selections. Sheena’s closet is the one that needs some attention. Girl is still holding on to those Levi’s from when – 2001? With that awful red metallic sheen? No, my closet isn’t that bad. Nope, nope, nope. I’ll do it later.

2) Wait, what is that frayed denim skirt doing back there? And this janky crochet top? I haven’t worn this in forever! I thought I got rid of these polo’s in 2008! How could I have acquired this much shit? Seriously?! What is wrong with me? I can’t believe Mom sent me that gift card for Asos – she knows I’m impulsive with trends when I shop online. Why did I ever move into this place when the closet is literally the size of a pinhead? I bet Sheena doesn’t have this problem! God, why me?!?!?!

3) Oh my gosh, my sequin blazer! Okay. I’m going to start wearing this at least once a month – no, once a week! – starting tomorrow. I wore this on Halloween the year we were show-penguins and found Jimi Hendrix’s old house. It has real sentimental value for me. Ehhh, if I donate five of these sweaters, can I keep the ratty pair of jeans from high school that still fit me?

4) Here I am, in a pile of these clothes that I thought would make me happy, and now, it all seems so worthless. I honestly don’t care if I have no more clothes to wear ever again. None of it matters. Everything is useless. I’m going to sleep. Forever.

5) Sheena would actually love to have this owl sweater, and I guess I’ll get rid of this vest. Asymetrical tops, we had some nice times, but I’m ready to move on. I bet someone else will make an even better costume from this blazer. I wish I knew how to quit you, jeans from high school. But it’s just not fair for me to wait around until you finally break your seams. You’re better off as something else. I’ll make it just fine.

About the author


a coastal-hopping country-come-cosmo girl who can be found getting her feet dirty all around Brooklyn and writing all over the Internet. She is the probably lovechild of Jay-Z and Dolly Parton. Follow her on Twitter @karinabthatsme

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