This is a PSA. Take it or leave it, but, consider this someone passing you an oxygen mask on a plummeting airplane, OK?
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1. Longchamp bags. I really don’t care who you are, but these bags are awful. I know you think they’re chic because they’re “simple, timeless elegance,” but if you think vinyl is timeless elegance then I need you to go back into therapy and examine all the weird shit from your childhood that brought you to this very moment. Are you that basic?
2. Those awful round-toe stripper heels that Jessica Simpson produced about 500,000 pairs of. Honestly, they do nothing to elongate the leg or help ease your bulging vericose veins. If you need proof that even Christian Louboutin makes mega mistakes, here it is. Shame on Neimans for still selling them.
3. “Curvy” crop tops. Crop tops are actually more dependent on SKIN TEXTURE than weight or size. If you have saggy skin from having birthed a 13 pound baby, stop trying to nail this trend. If you have bellulite (that’s belly cellulite), I DON’T NEED TO SEE A SNEAK PEAK OF THE BUBBLE WRAP AROUND YOUR MIDRIFF. If you’re a toned size 16, get in there, work those curves.
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4. Mega super crazy skinny jeans. I love a tapered leg, I really do. It’s beautiful on so many body types, and just easier to tuck into a great fall boot… but you know what’s not cute? When a woman thinks that shimmying into the tightest version of pants ever is going to a) be good for her ego and b) make her butt look super shapely. Let’s address this. The wrong size is the wrong size. Also, your tush will look old and complicated at the very least if it’s crammed into not nearly enough fabric. Does the word “flat” mean anything positive to you? Didn’t think so.
5. Bright cobalt blue. Remember last year and the year prior when that bright cobalt blue color was on every single store rack? Well, we all still own a lot of it, but, the truth is it’s a fairly unflattering tone for most skin tones. Let’s cover who CAN wear that shade.
- If your complexion matches a Kardashian’s.
- If you’re black, because black girls tend to look beautiful in most vibrant colors. Skin win.
- If your hair is golden blonde (NOT ash blonde).
- If you’re a bright orangey red head with olive undertones.
The rest of us are not welcome to this color. You’ll look washed out, nearly dead, or like a 4 year old boy in pajamas.
Example (she should’ve gone with something with red undertones):
6. Logos. I think I’ve written about this a million times, but, are you a billboard? Really, I would rather tell anyone to spend 3 paychecks in a row on a CHANEL suit than a pair of tacky-as-fuck CHANEL logo earrings. I don’t even care if you’re like “but it’s CHANEL!” This goes for every single brand ever. You don’t need a Tiffany tag around your neck to the tune of $1k, or a pair of Gucci embroidered loafers. You need proper garment construction and good materials, and maybe your mom calling to yell at you for being stupid. Sidenote: if you own or wear a Louis Vuitton monogrammed anything, go back to the burbs. The city doesn’t want you.
7. Glitter. It’s over. Let it go.
8. Unicorn hair for anyone over the age of 27. Those pastel hair color moments that seem to have conquered pinterest are actually kind of cute. There’s something endearing about a soft pink hair color, or maybe even a gentle lilac. But it’s cute, not sophisticated. 22 year olds are cute. 32 year olds should be erring on the side of sophistication. You know who you are.
9. Your bucket bag. “Basic fashion bitches rushed to get on the gathered bucket bag thing and it’s so hideous,” says my friend Amber Katz of Rouge18.com. She says it because she’s right. It was cool in the beginning (2011) because it was an ironic nod to our mothers’ generation, but now, it’s just impractical and stupid. Have you ever noticed it’s the girls with the bucket bags who are always whining about their keys and phone chargers and crap missing? There’s a reason: IT ALL FALLS OUT.