As a little girl, I had a pretty unsophisticated set of toys – my favorites were no-brand stuffed animals, books, and maybe a board game if I wanted to get fancy. I had a Teresa doll (Barbie’s friend. I’m not a blond and therefore I had no use for Barbie), and some Lego’s. But after looking at this Today Show slideshow of saucy toys for young girls, I grew concerned. Toys are so glitterslut nowadays! Unsurprisingly, many of the toys I found questionable have since been discontinued. However, their racy nature lives on forever on the Internet! Let’s have a look.
Struts, aka My Slutty Little Pony: Perhaps it’s Ginuwine’s fault, but I already feel that ponies carry with them latent sexual connotations. Struts toys confirmed for me that ponies are all about (w)horseplay.
The brand offered “hot-to-trot” high-fashion equestrian dolls that clomped around in pink high heels and likely kept condoms and dental dam in their matching pocketbook (seriously, what else would a slutty pony keep in her pocketbook?). I get that little girls love horses and Barbie-like dolls, but must we combine the two? Little girls like horses because they want to brush their long manes. They want to imagine riding their very own horse one day, like Pippi Longstocking. They do not want to imagine some dude with a five o’clock shadow and a potbelly riding their Struts horse around a dimly lit stage covered in slimy dollar bills. Luckily, parents felt the same way and Struts were promptly sent to the glue factory.
Pregnant Midge: Jesus, Barbie and her friends are really fuckin’ complicated. There’s no easy way to explain this. Midge was released in the ’60s to show Barbie’s haters that the Barbie brand wasn’t all about being blonde and sexy. How having a dowdy friend would make Barbie seem less sexy in comparison is beyond me. They gave Midge red hair, freckles and a round face. Midge was like, on and off the scene for decades after that, despite supposedly being Barbie’s oldest BFF.
When she made her final return to toy shelves in 2002, wholesome Midge was knocked up with no wedding ring (despite not having a ring on it, she did have a “husband,” Alan.) Pregnant Midge sported a magnetic baby bump. When removed, you could totally see her tiny baby in there! TMI, Midge! Gross!
Nimbus 2000: This vibrating replica of Harry Potter’s Quidditch broom didn’t need to be discontinued. Sure, it was more Babeland than Babes in Toyland, but I’m sure there are parents that would rather buy their adolescent a vibrating broomstick than have the Talk. Eight does seem a bit young for a vibrator, though.
you are a real sicko to even see, imagine, sexual connotations in any of these toys! SHAME ON YOU!