I don’t know where or why these silly little Internet trends originate, but it’s my job to report on them. I have been seeing a lot of taped faces lately. Not to be confused with face-raping (which is just as intrusive and sticky, but a lot more fun and sexy), face taping involves using scotch tape to distort your features so that you look like the elephant man, or Meg Ryan circa any decade except the 80s and early 90s.
I am the kind of person who moisturizes even when I go camping, and HATES it when people touch my face, so this trend isn’t for me. Still, I can imagine there are plenty of reasons someone would want to tape their face…
To put a bitch in his or her place. We all have that friend that thinks they are so hot that they are only three finger-waves and an eating disorder away from a Victoria’s Secret contract. We also all have that friend who takes so many damn selfies the DMV has contacted them for their photography services. Next time one of those bitches fall asleep, face-tape the shit out of them and post it to Instagram. A little humility never hurt anyone.
To scare your significant other into breaking up with you. Sure they may like the way you look normally, but there are some things in life you can just never unsee. If your mediocre partner puts you on a pedestal, maybe a little face-tape is exactly what they need to realize that you aren’t perfect, and that the only thing they even really like about you is your gorgeous face. Take that away and all you have is falling asleep during missionary-style sex and the question “What are you thinking right now, honey?”.
To see if you are in need of a face-lift. Plastic surgery is a big commitment, so you should only do it if you are over the age of 35, (I would have said 30, but alas, I am 30) or lived in Florida for the first 25 years of your life and only used sun-block in emergency situations when you were desperate for lubrication during beach sex. If you are unsure of whether you need some work done, use a little tape to give you some inspiration. All of the Real Housewives do it, and look how happy and well-adjusted they are.