F*ck me in the Fairy

I can’t quite put my finger on what Paris Hilton’s Fairy Dust perfume smells like, but if you said a naked fairy slut’s vagina and dirty rainbow excretion, you’d be, like, pretty dead on.

First of all, the box looks like this:

Fairy Dust perfume or vaporized poison?

Let’s be honest – with an image like this, the perfume never stood a chance with me.

Paris, I have news for you. You couldn’t do “fairy” with Christian Siriano as a coach. Fairies evoke ethereal beauty, diminutive proportions, and gracefulness. You evoke vodka, tortured miniature puppies, and panty-flashes.

The scents that are said to make up “Fairy Dust” include prosecco accord, peach nectar, pink peonies, orange blossoms, patchouli, and vanilla. However, you’d never know by smelling it. That’s because it attacks your nostrils with the force of 800 angry Tinker Bells ready to shove their magic wands straight up your naïve ass.

Please let me do the honor of providing you with a beautiful quote from the informative press materials that accompanied my bottle of “Fairy Dust.”

“Paris Hilton waves her magic wand and enchants young women in every corner of the world with Fairy Dust… It invites women of every age to believe that with a sprinkle of Fairy Dust dreams really can come true.”

This is, of course, only relevant if your biggest dreams involve DUI’s, dressing like an idiot, and producing super stealth, night-vision sex tapes. It also helps if your “magic wand” is a joint.

Let me also point out that in the first sentence of that description, Paris “enchants young women,” and in the second sentence, it’s for “women of every age.” So cougars, you can purchase Ms. Hilton’s perfume, but enchant you it will NOT. That’s only for the young’uns. So, so sorry.

I, for one, am now going to douse myself in Fairy Dust and set myself ablaze to the tune of “The Stars Are Blind.”

Disclosure: All products were provided for review. No monetary compensation was received for this review. All opinions belong to the author.