The Red Sea Star used to be an underwater restaurant and bar off the coast of Eilat, Israel, in the Red Sea. Even though nobody knows why, shortly before it closed it became a strip club. Now, it lies abandoned under the red sea, the ebb and flow of the tides slowly wiping away the cocaine residue, smell of cheap buffalo wings, and years of daddy issues.
Apparently, the people of Israel were not amused by the idea of an underwater strip club, but this is America damn it, and I can think of plenty of good reasons to visit such a place.
Fresh Seafood- Gone are the days where you begrudgingly ate dried-out potato skins and freezer-burned fries while shelling out $40 of your gas money to 17-year-old runaways. You can’t get much closer to fresh seafood than being inside the ocean.
Better Pole Tricks- For several reasons, gravity is the bane of a stripper’s existence. Imagine the amazing pole tricks they could turn if gravity wasn’t pulling them towards the floor.
Perkier Boobs- For several reasons, gravity is the bane of a stripper’s existence. Imagine how buoyant that 50-year-old mother-of-three stripper’s areolas would be if gravity wasn’t pulling them towards the floor.
Purifying Salt Water- Since salt water has purifying properties, you wouldn’t even have to wash your hands before you go home to your wife or husband. You might consider washing other body parts, though. That’s just science.
Better Wigs- This one is more for all the gays out there, but there are few things that are more offensive in this world than stripper wigs. As anyone who has ever taken a bath knows however, all hair looks more amazing underwater. If you don’t believe me, just ask the little fricken mermaid. Did you buy a cheap $40 sassy blond wig from the Raquel Welch collection and don’t know what to do with it? Become an underwater stripper, and let your tresses float around your head gracefully like the halo of an angel that desperately needs to pay the rent and put herself through masseuse school.
