They say that winter is finally over and spring weather will be arriving at any moment. Frankly, I don’t believe them and intend to keep hibernating in my apartment until pigeons start chirping outside my window, or I am eaten by my neighbor’s cat. If however, you believe spring is actually around the corner, here are five ways to prepare yourself:
Trim your fucking hedges: Yes, I know you spent the winter experimenting with new hair styles for your overgrown bush, but it’s time to stop. Borrow a weed-wacker from your super and get your cooter back into fighting shape. Oh yeah, and don’t forget your legs. Guys, this goes for you, too (my armpit hair looks like one of Beyonce’s wig cast-offs).