How To Take Care of Your Boobs

barbie boob necklace
Written by Gary

Your boobs are one of your most prized possessions. They can help you find a mate, get out of parking tickets, and feed your children. Many women don’t know how to take care of their boobs, however. So here are five easy ways to make your boobs love you as much as you love them.

barbie boob necklace

Barbie loves her boobs so much she put them on a necklace.

1. Maintain your weight. If you try fad and miracle diets, your weight will fluctuate and your breasts will sag faster than Kim Kardashian’s flailing career. If you don’t believe me, look at Renee Zellweger, whose boobs receded into her chest, or Jennifer Hudson, whose stretchmarks look like tire tracks at the Indy 500. It doesn’t matter if you are 50 lbs (jealous) or 500 lbs, if you decide to lose weight, do it the healthy way, and maintain it!

2. Moisturize your tits. Most women forget that their boobs are made of very delicate skin that needs moisture. If you want to keep your breasts looking young and vibrant like a summer flower, invest in a good moisturizer, like this one from Aveeno, which has a calming element in case your tits get overly excited. Also, make sure you don’t neglect your areolas. Nobody likes a scaly nipple.

3. Get the right bra. Your breasts will hopefully be in your life forever, so its worth it to go to a bra store and have them measured to make sure you have the perfect size and shape. Also, a little known fact is that breasts change shape over the course of time, so it wouldn’t hurt to make it a ritual. You could even turn it into a fun girls day out, where you all get your knockers measured, then go out for froyo. Also, make sure you wear a sports bra if you go running. There’s no reason to beat yourself in the face with your jugs.

4. Stand up straight, for God’s sake. I know some of you DD’s out there may find this difficult, but standing up straight elevates your boobs and support them correctly. Exercising normally will help strengthen the muscles that support your funbags, go hit the gym regularly, ladies. And please put down the cream cheese.

5. Examine your boobs normally. This is probably the most important, because if you don’t do this you might end up losing your breasts, and not in the “I lost the remote in the couch cushions” kind of way. If you don’t know how to do a self exam, ask the homeless guy on the corner to demonstrate, or look it up on Youtube. Breast cancer is a super shitty thing to go through, but if you detect it early, you can save yourself and your breasts from certain doom.

There you have it. The moral of the story is, if you treat your boobies right, they will do the same for you. Viva la boobies!

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About the author


Gary is the gay guy that every girl wants to be, and every guy wants to be with (Mostly because he can't get pregnant). He is based in Manhattan, but loves traveling to exotic new people, and sleeping with interesting new places. He is an adventurous writer, digital artist, and game designer that will try almost anything if it makes a good story.
--Instagram: @garyadrianrandall --Twitter: @gadrianrandall


  • To take care of my boobs, I use Happy Breast Balm and practice the Ultimate Breast Care Routine. Its dry skin brushing to stimulate and clear the Lymphatic system, then massaging with the balm, which contains great ingredients to nourish the breasts, and which improves blood flow and helps us get comfortable with all the changes our boobs go through. The routine also includes a moment of affirming self love and gratitude for our health and well being. Check it out!! Perhaps you would like to do an article about how women can take the health of their breasts into their own hands?

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