Since the Society of Divorced Celebs has just welcomed two more members to their ranks – predictions on when this populated subgroup gets named a 51st state? Anyone? – it’s time for a refresher on discussing such disheartening, yet extremely gossip-worthy news in the company of others. I know. The topic practically occupies a rent-controlled 4-bedroom on the front pages (just count the number of times you’ve seen “Splitsville” in print during the last month). With that kind of constant exposure, you’d think we’d all be experts in lubing our conversations with the sloppy subject.
But in case you still find the topic a tedious, confusing, or one-dimensional discussion piece, read on to discover how you can make celebrity divorce a tolerable feature of each and every conversation it inevitably ends up in.
- Ratchet up the doomsday appeal. It’s easy to unleash your inner thespian when chatting about an actual entertainer’s troubles, partly due to the media’s coverage ranking at an 8.5 on the worst-thing-to-happen-ever scale (that’s right behind actual worst things like catastrophic earthquakes, in case you forgot). But not everyone will appreciate the cranked up sarcasm. Or, the intense emotions, if you’re seriously upset. It’s always important to be mindful of your audience. Especially when five minutes of sobbing and the classic closed-fisted “Why, why, whyyyyy????” makes a passionate appearance.
- Play dumb. A sure way to infuriate any gossip-addict is to tell them you have no idea who or what they are talking about. And ask lots of questions. Especially the obvious ones: “Katy Perry? Oh, is that the lady who does the Progressive commercials? Oh wait! The daughter of Texas Governor Rick Perry!” or “Kim Kardashian was married?! Wow, I didn’t even know she broke up with Ray-J?!”. Denying the fix of endorphin-packed celeb gossip is, in my opinion, the one and only time it’s ok – alright, even hilarious – to act dumb. And if you really are oblivious to it all, the outcome will be even better.
- Theorize, analyze, rationalize. Because a celebrity divorce is not just two famous people divorcing! It’s an event begging every layperson’s and pseudopsychologist’s educated (or not) opinion. Where’s the fun in that, you ask? I take it you’ve never made up statistics on how celebrity divorce mediation Charlotte NC or the Western World contribute to higher instances of blindness in East African bonobos. Get ready to see your company’s eyeballs do some crazy things.
- Connect it your personal life. If you’re going to be talking about celebrity divorces, you might as well find some way to relate it to your cat’s bladder infection. Or your mom’s new boyfriend. Or your mom’s new boyfriend’s cat’s bladder infection. You’ll be surprised at how true the seven degrees of separation law actually is. And your far-fetched idea of relativity may even produce a topic change. Fooled all ya’ll!
- Be, just, so, so over it. And then bring it up in casual conversation, buy five magazines featuring the sad-looking couple on the cover, and skip lunch and part of a meeting to read about it on HuffPo. It’s so sickening, isn’t it? Isn’t it??
- Don’t ask, don’t tell. When applied in a military setting, this strategy sucks. But in the case of celeb gossip, especially this strain, it’s a viable method of defense. I realize that this approach does not actually involve talking, and may not really belong on this list. But it’s here, anyway. Enough said?
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