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How to Use Tampons to Survive a Wilderness Tampocalypse

survival uses for a tampocalypse
Written by Gary

If you find yourself in a survival situation, tampons may very well be the difference between life and death.

survival uses for a tampocalypse

Imagine for a second that you and five of your best girlfriends are going for a leisurely drive through the woods, and then BAM- 3 flat tires. You are on the Ozarks, so none of your cell phones work, and you are all single (hence why you are in a car together, alone, in the woods) so none of your boyfriends will be looking for you. What do you do?

Pool all your tampons together, and get ready to survive through a Tampocalypse.

If one of you gets swiped by a wild panther, use a tampon as a makeshift bandage. Not only are tampons sterile, but the packages are waterproof and the cotton is really absorbent (as I am sure you already know from those heavy flow mornings that we all read about). In fact, the FDA classifies tampons as a Class II medical device. If you need something to hold the bandage on, ask whichever one of your friends is the least fashionable. Chances are, she has a scrunchy somewhere on her person, most likely hidden beside her secret stash of Clark Bars.

Tampons can be used as makeshift water filters. All you have to do is shove one inside the mouth of a water bottle, poke a hole in the other end, and filter the water through into another container. A tampon won’t get rid of all the impurities, but it will probably guarantee that you don’t end up stuck in the wilderness with both dysentery and diarrhea.

When night falls and you are still wandering around in circles, use tampons to start a fire. It’s a little known fact that cotton makes excellent fire tinder, so gather a bunch of dry brush and sticks, and light that bitch up.

When it’s finally time to go to sleep, put tampons in your ears to keep spiders out. We have all heard stories of spiders climbing into people’s ear canals, and if you are lost in the wilderness, you should probably multiply this probability by 1,000. Shoving tampons in your ears will guarantee you won’t wake up with Charlotte’s Web preventing you from hearing your friend’s early morning bitch-fest.

This last one is pretty gross, but you could actually use bloody tampons to attract animals for dinner. If it has been a few days and you are still unaccounted for, you might start to get hungry (chances are at least one of your girlfriends has already considered eating you, but we aren’t in college anymore, and the time for experimentation is over ). The smell of blood does attract animals, so if one of you are going through shark week (yes, that is what we gays call your periods) take one for the team and hang your used tampon from a tree. Then just wait for a grizzly bear to come sniffing and clobber it with a tire iron. Instant brunch.

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About the author


Gary is the gay guy that every girl wants to be, and every guy wants to be with (Mostly because he can't get pregnant). He is based in Manhattan, but loves traveling to exotic new people, and sleeping with interesting new places. He is an adventurous writer, digital artist, and game designer that will try almost anything if it makes a good story.
--Instagram: @garyadrianrandall --Twitter: @gadrianrandall

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