HEALTH

Islamic extremists must resist the temptation of LA Fitness

Written by Aliza

A pro- Al-Qaeda magazine recently published an article highlighting effective workout tips for the wannabe Islamic extremist. “Jihad Recollections,” not to be confused with Cosmo, has posted several suggestions on how to be the BEST Jihadist figher you can be! Thus, I have come up with the most important reasons why I will never be an Islamic extremist Jihad fighter.

1. The article warns against western gyms, citing LA Fitness with their “music, semi-naked women, free mixing and the danger of showing off”. I’ve never been to an LA Fitness before but holy shit if that’s an accurate description I’m signing up asap. Music, semi-nudity, free mixing (i’m not sure what that means but I’m going to assume it’s cocktail related) and the danger of showing off? That sounds like an exceptional Friday evening.

2. They suggest a steady diet of only the essentials: dates, dry crackers, water. In addition, the article describes how it is “un-Islamic” to eat for any reason other than to provide your body with fuel. I require a steady diet of medium-rare beef in any form (preferably involving some sort of cheese), canapes, guacamole, chocolate in varying sweetnesses (semi, milk, dark, etc), and alcohol of the tequila, vodka and wine varieties, which is not to be confused with: water.

3. It is recommended for hopeful Jihad extremists to do an average of 150 pushups a day, walk on their hands to build-up arm strength and take long walks to get the legs ready for carrying equipment. I perform an average of -30 pushups a day (negative because I don’t do the pushups and then actually make a conscious effort to manipulate any situation I’m in so that those around me engage in aforementioned “lifting). If by “walk on my hands” they mean “take a taxi and relax comfortably in the backseat,” then yes, I walk on my hands daily.

It’s such a shame that these three requirements are necessary to be an in-shape Islamic Jihadist because I really think I would have made a fabulous one. I know I’m female, Jewish, American, and pro-Israeli, but I really tend to not let things stand in the way of my dreams of killing innocent families in the name of fictional stories that have been renamed “religion,” choosing to live as people lived 2000 years ago and thus refusing to advance culturally and politically, and breeding my youth with weapons in their hands to teach them that killing people is the most sophisticated form of dialogue. Keep up that hand-walking, I’m sure it’ll pay off one day.

About the author

Aliza

a born and bred Manhattan-ite who graduated Lehigh University in 2007 with a degree in Journalism. She currently lives with her two patient roommates and works for Valentino Fashion Group where she handles a lot of garment bags, answers a lot of phones, and does a lot of what anyone tells her to (most eagerly in PR and Marketing). She favors brunch over lunch, heels over flats, tequila over vodka, downtown over uptown, and a tropical destination over pretty much anything else in the world.

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