You’re not going to believe this, but I’ve been wearing the same article of clothing for the last 8 days. I’ve hardly taken it off, besides to shower, and only sometimes when I’ve gone to bed. It’s just like the time I got my first pair of Z. Cavaricci jeans at age twelve. I’d never known love could come in cinched ankle form.
This time, my love is a round, round scarf. But not just any circle scarf, an American Apparel circle scarf. And no, it’s not this one. This scarf is a special import from that strange foreign land called Seattle. Apparently 3’x5’ ultra plush neck warmers are in less demand here in New York City than they are in the Pacific Northwest, because out of five different stores, I couldn’t find a single AA employee who even knew what I was talking about. It’s not available online, either!
Let me tell you more about this mystery scarf, which comes with directions for wearing it 26 ways, but has about double that amount in secondary uses, the first being, the fattest, chunkiest thing ever you’ll ever feel so psyched to drape around your body. This thing is HUGE! It’s not one of those super thin, cigarette smoke circle scarves. This is a cumulus cloud that you can stick your head through, like the angels featured on packages of toilet paper. Or like Mufasa when his face appears to Simba in the clouds. Mufasa Angel scarf. There’s two more uses.
Here are five others:
- Natural “bump-it” for the crown of your head. Daily wear of this scarf results in steady ratting of your hair at the exact perfect spot for maximum volume boosts. No infomercial ordering needed.
- Fashionable head pillow for air travel. Those inflatable plastic ones smell bad, and they make your hair staticky.
- Instant rump booster. Remember in Cinderalla, all those ladies in dresses that looked like there were two small children stuffed in the back? You can pull off a sublter version of that look by wearing a small bag twisted around so it covers your behind. Then, drape the scarf so the length is stretched out fully. Voila, Victoria booty for days.
- Smuggling accessory. This scarf is full of secrets.
- Socially acceptable “blankie” for your under-weather days. It’s softer and more pliable than your average scarf, and won’t garner concerned looks from your friends like a blanket would if you wore it to the bar.
Are you ready to go out and buy this scarf now? Well, good luck finding it. I’ve got some inside connections, but if I told you, I’d have to kill you. With my scarf of course.
