FINALLY, it’s Jersday, the magical day of the week when bored, pale people gather ’round the tube to watch drunk, tan people do things like talk about their t-shirts in a sing-song fashion and flash their kookas.
While Jersday is always a treat, today is extra special. Why? Well. I have great Jersey Shore-related news. Have you ever wonder-wondered who wrote the book of love? Turns out that would be one JWOWW, who is no doubt an expert in matters of the heart. Besides Samron, she’s the only housemate who has held down a relationship(s) while “down the shore” (this is what it’s called, I don’t know why), so we can totally trust her. Even if her boyfriends usually can’t.
Yes, JWOWW, haver of many boyfriends and envious cleavage, has written The Rules According to JWoww, and this is kind of exciting for several reasons. The original The Rules was released in 1995, which was about the time that I was an idiot kid who’d go to Barnes and Noble and sit around reading stupid self-help books; attempting to apply advice for insecure women in their 30s to my losery 11-year-old kid love life. Personally, I am happy to sit back and watch JWOWW desecrate what those two dumb ass women tried to sell to their desperate peers all those years ago. Fuck you guys.
The Rules According to JWOWW is also exciting because from what I can tell, it’s written in JWOWW’s voice and not that of her ghostwriter. The book includes gems like “Ain’t nothing like no sex to make you want and appreciate it more,” and “Bake, paint, knit, learn to do the f***ing Cha-Cha-Cha.” This is very different from the original rulebook, in that the original rulebook would never encourage you to Cha-Cha-Cha or really do anything besides play head games until penises instinctively shrink in fear when confronted with your particular brand of crazy. JWOWW also shares grooming tips on tanning and probably bouffants and maybe the name of her plastic surgeon (score!).
Lastly, I’m just really happy for JWOWW. If anyone deserves to have their life’s work published, it’s her. I mean, this has basically been her dream since the womb and I, for one, can not think of one. single. person. who has worked harder to achieve their lifelong goal of becoming a published author. You go, Glen Coco.
The book is available for the low, low discount bin price of $10.40 on Amazon.