Dear Madonna,
You are wearing a Muppet. This green confection is not only offensive to me, who now has to take a Xanax before opening any magazine in fear that I’ll come across a photo of The Dress again, but is offensive to the fashion industry as a whole. I’m surprised Ms. Piggy wasn’t following you around and humping your leg all night. I understand you’re going through some rough times with your now ex-husband, but 50 percent of the population gets divorced and 100 percent of the population does not skin Fozzie the Bear and dip-dye him green.
As someone who has been a true purveyor of innovative fashion, you, the original Material Girl herself, has erred on the side of fugly and the results were, well, f*cking ugly. Stop me if I’m wrong, but I’m taking a guess as to how the though process went:
Boring, boring, boring, perfect! I’m going to choose this dress, the one with the green peat moss growing out of it, and everyone will love it because it’s so fashion forward. Oh I know! I’m going to pair it with fishnets. That way, in case someone for some weird, bizarre reason doesn’t enjoy looking at The Dress, they can focus on my man-legs instead.
Here’s to hoping A-Rod is into bestiality.
Love,
your #1 fan
